Sometimes I feel so awful about giving a film a bad review that I don’t. How could I? I met the director; I met the child star; this project was obviously one of love, dedication, and local pride. It was made from an honest POV and told the story of a child so poor he can’t afford a pair of shoes … so what if there’s some minor child abuse involved? Can’t we just chalk that up to “cultural?”
Off the southeast corner of Taiwan, there’s a pretty island about the size of a golf course with long tradition of dressing down. On this island, a small boy, Ma Na-Wei (Pangoyod Si), periodically sends drawings of his foot to his estranged father on the hopes that dad will send him a new pair of shoes. Contemplate that the next time Christmas rolls around. Ma lives in what amounts to an elaborate lean-to with his granny. And when Ma isn’t pining for new sneakers or complaining about granny’s cooking, he’s rooking the island’s occasional guests for up to 23 cents at a time.
Little does Ma know that the tourist he just conned into a double banana payday isn’t a tourist at all, but his new teacher, Zhong-Xun Yu (Shang-Ho Huang). Zhong is indeed fresh off the boat, so he ain’t used to the local ways of the Tao islanders. In fact, he sees the position on the small island as a demotion. His life doesn’t get any better when the female bartender shows up with a thug to collect the banana (daiquiri) money he owes her.
Long Time No Sea starts off as this poor-man’s coming of age meets poor man’s new teacher on the block, but Zhong has different ideas; he wants off this rock so badly he enters his kids in a competition they don’t care about. Oh, it gets better: the event is some sort of costume team “Star Search” and Zhong has absent-mindedly chosen the island’s anthem for the kids. Hence, they gotta act and dance their way around teams from all over Taiwan to a strict pre-ordained script. Huh, how do you say, “You got served” in Tao?
And as if that wasn’t bad enough, the boys and girls of the school will have to wear the Orchid Island standard uniform for performing their little Safety Dance. For the boys, this uniform is a thong. That’s it. A thong. Like a team of mini malnourished sumo wrestlers, they’ll perform this jive in front of audiences. I’m sorry, but this bordered on child abuse when it was just the teacher’s idea indulged. Making a kid wear a jock strap alone on stage goes way beyond the very narrow groin modesty boundaries.
Look, Ms. Tsui, is it? I’m glad you were able to make a movie. You made something honest and true to your vision and told the story of people we would otherwise never know. Bless you. Good luck on this. Now don’t do it again.
Local kids have got a show to rock
But their stage will feel like a catwalk
In an outfit of wrong
All the boys wear a thong
What was this … filmed in Bangkok?
Not Rated, 96 Minutes
Director: Heather Tsui
Writer: Heather Tsui
Genre: Torturing students one class at a time
Person most likely to enjoy this film: Orchid Island residents
Person least likely to enjoy the film: Those punks from XiaoLiuChiu Island
