Oh. Rami Malek made another biopic last year, did he? Isn’t that cute? Sure. Well, except for the cute part. Because if there’s any tale that needs constant retelling, it’s that of a Frenchman imprisoned and exiled to a distant island. No, not Napoleon; that might have added a little punch to this script. The Frenchman in question is Devil’s Island resident Henri Charrière, aka “Papillon” for the butterfly tattoo across his chest. Hold up, did the tattoo come first or the nickname? I may never know, and, tragically, after this sentence is written, I may never care, either.
There comes a point in your life, apparently, when you’re on a JetBlue flight and you scroll through the entertainment options and you realize to your shock that you’ve already seen every.single.other.film. Ok, maybe not you; maybe just me. It is at that point that you realize you’re gonna have to bite the bullet and watch a two+ hour prison film. One that you’ve already seen before cuz it’s a remake. Ooooh, can’t wait! This will get me all the way to the Rockies. Hence, Papillon! No, not the Steve McQueen version. This one stars Charlie Hunnam. Hunnam, the guy from King Arthur and The Lost City of Z in a slavery prison film – geez, when does this guy ever get to shower?
Titular figure Papillon is a high-end thief who gets saddled with murder one in 1930s Paris. Unlike all the other crimes he did do, he didn’t commit this one, so we’re supposed to feel bad for him, I think. It isn’t long before he discovers what fun prison is and acquires wealthy fellow inmate and new BFF Louis Dega (Malek) as an investment, something on the order of: “You get me outta here and I’ll make sure your ass is still attached after you drop le savon, n’est-ce pas?” This arrangement, of course, leads to a number of delightful scenes in which our hero attempts escape and is brutally tortured. Ha! What a lark!
Eventually we get to Devil’s Island, which, for all the dread, didn’t seem that bad – no guards, no cells, freedom to roam the rock, hey, get yourself a niche and it could be a celibate island paradise. Ok, maybe not, but I’ve seen worse. In fact, I’ve vacationed to worse. Ever been in an RV for two weeks with your family? You’ll daydream of Devil’s Island. Seriously.
Papillon isn’t a forgiving tale even when you’ve got a wonderful lead. With barely passable Hunnam steering, one longs for McQueen … or simply another film. I really don’t get the stardom of Charlie Hunnam. Like, not at all. Sure, he’s handsome. So are many, many other people. I cannot name a single characteristic or trait that sets him apart from Nobody Actorman. And yet he keeps getting scripts asking him to carry a film. So what does he do? He gets about as far as the TSA check point, then returns to the counter and checks that baggage. I’d sooner take every single Avenger including Tom Holland and Scarlett Johansson for this role.
♪Just sit right back and “enjoy” a fail
A fail of a Frenchie chump
He was a high end safe cracker
And then he hit a slump
His mate was a wealthy gog-eyed wimp
Who tried to buy his way
“We don’t play that, you’ll be here
Until you’re old and gray.”
The milieu started getting rough
Our hero’s cell was tossed
If not for the hijinks of the Aryan crew
No lines would be crossed
They all ended up in Gallic Hell, on one big boulder pile
With Papillon
His pet Lefou
The legionnaire doing life
The bawdy tar
The prison snitch, his balding bitch
Here on Papillon’s Isle♫
Rated R, 133 Minutes
Director: Michael Noer
Writer: Aaron Guzikowski
Genre: Family fun, gang!
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Henri Charrière
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: French government officials
♪ Parody Inspired by “Gilligan’s Isle”
