If a dead cat comes back to life evil, how would you be able to tell the difference? He treats you like a personal food dispenser and nothing more? He pees on the carpet? He enjoys torturing living creatures? Yeah, it’s possible my cat is already undead.
We’re never going to lose Stephen King in my lifetime, and that is a good thing, but I can’t say his works have had the same effect on Maine as, say, J.R.R. Tolkien has boosted tourism in New Zealand, knowwhatImsayin’?
The Creed family (Adonis, Apollo, wait. Wrong Creeds) have moved to the forests of Maine where life is simpler and spelling is optional. Not yet unpacked, daughter Ellie (Jeté Laurence – that name is quite a leap, huh? I want you to know that I was thisclose to being named “Arabesque,” but my parents thought that might set the barre a little too high) spies something truly creepy: masked kids marching their dead dog into the woods. Of course, the one thing might have made it creepier is if the kids were singing “♪I’m looking over/my dead dog Rover …♫” at the time.
You know what’s funny? The saying, “curiosity killed the cat,” because in Pet Sematary, the exact opposite is true. The woods conceal as small pet cemetery used for generations. Beyond the cemetery, however, is “sour land,” where dead pets can come back to life. When Ellie’s cat Church dies, the world’s worst neighbor, Jud (John Lithgow) leads curious father Louis (Jason Clarke) to the place where the cat can be resurrected … but only if you can get Church there on time.
This is my favorite part – the cat comes back with a massive kitty grudge on his little shoulders and then –and only then- does Jud consider “maybe we shouldn’t have done that.” Ya think? At that point, we get the line of the movie, as seen in the trailer: “Sometimes dead is better.” Really, guy who starred in Harry and the Hendersons … sometimes dead is better? Ya think?
I’m not gonna be put off that Pet Sematary could have been a little … more intense, more intelligent, more scary, or just plain better. Stephen King still has a strangle hold on modern horror and, hence, there will be many more film adaptations. Some will be good. Others will not. This Pet Sematary is in the middle somewhere and thus will probably die within the next few weeks. But if you bury it in sour ground, it will rise undead from the earth and skulk around for another two stars worth of entertainment in another few decades. God help me if I’m still reviewing films like this when that happens.
♪Little Ellie had a cat who was stalking for some game
A trailer crushed poor kitty; I’m not sure who’s to blame
We took her to the neighbor; he performed an evil rite
And guess who resurrected in the middle of the night?
Yeah, the cat came back, old Churchy wouldn’t die
Sure he wasn’t all there, but I’m not gonna cry
The cat came back with no room to endear
Our kitty wasn’t ready to be a souvenir♫
Rated R, 101 Minutes
Director: Kevin Kölsch, Dennis Widmyer
Writer: Jeff Buhler
Genre: Zombie pets
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Your cat who likes to toy with dead things … imagine the possibilities!
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: The very pious
♪ Parody Inspired by “The Cat Came Back”
