And I thought Serenity was bad. A guaranteed bottom 10 film for 2019, The Beach Bum answers the oft-posed question, “What would happen if you made a screenplay entirely out of Jimmy Buffett lyrics?” Believe it or not, I had this thought long before Jimmy Buffett showed up in the movie.
In his lengthy and bizarre movie career, Matthew McConaughey has been many things, by which I mean one thing, then a real actor for a while. In 2019, however, McConaughey seems to have announced he’s done playing an adult. As a thought-free, irresponsible, coked-up, sex-addict “Moondog,” McConaughey displays a level of unaccountability so profound I’d sooner expect Beavis and Butt-head to step-up and be adults than this ass-clown. The Beach Bum plays like a highlight reel of “the worst of McConaughey.” Oh, you’ve seen his devil-may-care act before, but never to this extent nor with quite this level of laid-back, nihilistic contempt for anybody who cares.
It takes a full ten minutes of the Moondog drug/sex antics in Key West before we realize the man is noteworthy (?!), rich (?!), and married (?!). I’m not exactly sure which of those come as the biggest surprise. It’s like finding the guy who’s been going through your trash a 3 a.m. is actually a millionaire. With sun-soaked unkemptness, an outfit that gets washed by public fountain visitations, and filthy moonpaws constantly gripping either a beer neck or a roach, Moondog must smell like a sewer 24/7. He also wears flip-up shades, day and night, in case he ever has to, I dunno, shag flies. Somewhere among a bong, a beer, and happily introducing the little Moondog to the camera so he can pee in a random rowboat, Moondog calls up his Miami-based wife, Minnie (Isla Fisher), who is in the company of family friend and her side-piece, Lingerie (Snoop Dogg). Seems baby Moonpup is about to be married, awwww. Do I sense a plot?
Moondog’s return to Miami includes a stolen boat, several friendly crotch grabs (other people’s crotches, mind you), and a constant reference to his daughter’s fiancé as “Limp Dick.” Ah, but the comedy never stops flowing as we see Moondog going down on Minnie while she’s getting a pedicure at their ridiculously expensive beach house. Minnie’s only concern is that Moondog attend the wedding, which she has to remind him of during the ceremony while he’s having public hashhouse sex with a waitress he just met.
Did I mention Moondog is a published writer? NO!! Yes, yes he is. In fact, when not scoring, boozing, or toking, his fav thing is to either read his own stuff aloud, watch videos of him reading his own stuff aloud, or plagiarize better writers [read: anyone else]. While it’s clear to me that Moondog is a shitty writer, I’m not sure it was clear to the production crew. What is clear is that Moondog’s ability to play classic piano and quote 19th century poets at will means something got lost in between the impressive education of his formative years and the perpetual hedonism of his middle age. BTW, those waiting for the Moon Unit Puppy marriage to evolve The Beach Bum into a genuine film with things like character development, motivation, and plot … ummm … you might be waiting a while.
Martin Lawrence was the best thing in this movie. Those are words that I never thought any human capable of uttering, least of all myself. The Beach Bum made me laugh exactly twice, and both times were at the cruel expense of a humiliated character. (One of the times being Lawrence) This is a film for those who get baked and watch “South Park.”
Were The Beach Bum a more intelligent film, I would have sworn it was conjured up to mock liberal values – the movie happily promotes drug abuse, promiscuity, embrace of lowlifes, and alternative lifestyles, i.e. all those “marginal” indulgences we liberals “love,” but “real America” knows better. I might have felt that theme more strongly if the film pushed it with, say, a “casual abortion” or a takedown of climate change. But that isn’t The Beach Bum, which feels nothing but love for its humility-challenged and decency-challenged hero. No, this film is much more about personal gratification, exultation of mediocrity, and –most importantly- unchecked privilege, which makes The Beach Bum less a takedown of AOC, and much, much, more a Trump Era reflection on The Big Lebowski. This seems like the kind of film Don Jr. wanks to imagining it’s a mockery of lefty values when in fact he is much closer to Beach Bum status than anybody else in the country.
Sometimes a movie will stray
And an audience will protest “no way!”
But the pinnacle of wronging
Is a new-fangled longing
For the Matthew of McConaughey-hey
Rated R, 95 Minutes
Director: Harmony Korine
Writer: Harmony Korine
Genre: Films for the value-challenged
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Amoral drifters
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Anyone who has worked an honest day in their life
