This is a classic case of PC going too far. Sometimes you gotta just shelve that well-meaning idea because it sucks. And in a case of severe backfire, Poms actually illustrated an argument against its own thesis. That’s a coup. Going into Poms, I wouldn’t have paid any little bit of attention to the idea of senior citizen cheerleading – grandma, you want to don a skirt and a megaphone and go root on the nearest Scrabble champion? Go for it. After watching the film, however, I now have second thoughts – grandma cheerleading seems equally as sound an idea as grandpa playing tackle football. I’m not gonna stop you from doing it, but it’s a short-sighted, reckless idea and you’re probably going to get hurt.
Poms didn’t start well. Martha (Diane Keaton) is a Chicago resident with cancer and needs to fly south to die … so she has a yard sale. Well a “yard” sale — it is the yardless inner city after all … and it’s an old person’s yard sale, where everything is overpriced. You know the one: “Tennis racket: $50.” “Look, lady, I don’t care if Rod Laver used it to win Wimbledon; this isn’t ebay or an auction house; this is a sidewalk. The correct price is $2.” Minutes later, she’s found her old folks community in Georgia where the welcoming committee fails to recognize she doesn’t want a welcoming committee, and then her neighbor, Sheryl (Jacki Weaver) does the same. And get this: at this particular retirement pasture, Martha is require to join a club.
Sorry, you want me to find this movie endearing? This movie where nobody respects privacy? To me, the tragedy is not that Martha is old, it’s not that Martha is dying, it’s exactly that apparently you can never reach an age at which you can just be left alone upon request. Oh, wait. Is this a horror film? Hmmmm … old people cheerleading … it might be.
Sheryl immediately hosts a poker party that keeps Martha up. Are you freaking kidding me?! Martha lived in an urban street landscape for decades, but old people playing cards is your pea, princess? Lord, who wrote this film?
Long story short, Martha reminisces about her good old days of cheerleading and cockteasing and decides, “Those other clubs suck. Who wants to be a cheerleader?” And after this point in the narrative, every.single.joke in this “comedy” is “We’re too old for this shit.” However, whenever somebody on screen correctly points out, “You’re too old for this shit,” the collective response by cast and audience is, “HOW DARE YOU?!”
Look, you can’t have it both ways. Either cheerleading is an activity for young hussies and you shouldn’t engage, or it’s for everybody, and you show us how and why. The part where y’all clearly don’t know what you’re doing and are risking injury feigning a younger person’s activity is insane. If my grandmother wanted to cheerlead again, I’d be with her right up to the part where a peer broke an ankle doing a pathetic out-of-sync 30-second routine. This doesn’t look like fun; it looks like 1) you don’t know what you’re doing, 2) you’re impressing nobody, and 3) you’re risking being wheelchair bound for the remainder of your life. That’s what you want? It’s right up there with the wisdom of anti-vaxxers.
No doubt, some old folks will be impressed by this film. It may bring smiles to people with extremely low standards for athleticism. Yes, I will grow to withered old age, too. I know it. And I pray to whatever deity is mine that I will have to good grace to keep this mediocrity to myself when it happens. Old people are great at many, many things, but gymnastics generally ain’t on the list, knowwhatI’msayin’? And this film only reinforces the stereotype. “Gee, Frog, if they’re having fun, what’s it to you?” Nothing, Nothing at all. I want you to have fun. Often. Have all the fun while you still can. Dance up a storm. Cheer on the cat. Do lap dances and star searches and whatever floats your ancient vessel. But this bit of fish-out-of-water came to a theater where it became part of my realm, and, comparatively, it bites on so many levels. Poms plays like a dance-off movie in which the opponents failed to show, and our team Got Served all the same. Is that really how you want your friends and family to see you?
♪When some old fogie throws his weight around and says his tests are great
I tell him right away,
“Now what’s the matter, grandpa, ain’t you seen my results?
Negative ‘cross the slate”
So be true to you stool
Just like you would to your mom or dog
Be true to your stool now
Take it from this Frog
Be true to your stool! ♫
Rated PG-13, 91 Minutes
Director: Zara Hayes
Writer: Shane Atkinson
Genre: Bad ideas
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Your still-active grandmother
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Anyone who has to sit with her at the theater
♪ Parody Inspired by “Be True to Your School”
