In retrospect, I’m struck by how adolescent this phantom acts. La Llorona might not be the scariest ghoul in the Scooby-Doo pantheon, but she does come with a ton of hysterics and constant door slamming. Seriously, Llarona? If you do that again, I swear to you, I’m removing the door from its hinges. No, it’s too late for that, young lady. You want to thieve children? Well, you’re just gonna have to behave like an adult.
Plaguing theaters for the past few weeks while riding Endgame coattails has been the low-budget, low-thought horror/thriller The Curse of La Llorona, a movie about a Mexican ghost who assumes the form of a weeping bride. She’s has come to Los Angeles to steal children, and, presumably, jobs. I dunno quite how that works … is she stealing children white parents can’t be bothered to take? Damn, these are times in which I really need a conservative to ‘splain stuff to me. Tell me this, are there supernatural border patrol agents, too? Can we just deport La Llorona … oooh, or is she the one that puts stolen kids in cages? Silly me; that’s Trump.
This story begins in Mexico in 1673 when a boy inadvertently plays hide-and-go-seek with his entire family only to discover mom has drowned them all for no reason. Suddenly, we’re in 1970s El Lay and undead bride mom has returned. This is what I’m gathering, at least. Exactly three centuries later, brideghost has thumbed her way to East El Lay where she’s gonna have one heckuva time trying to drown children in the “Los Angeles River.”
Widower and now single mother of two Anna Tate-Garcia (Linda Cardellini) is a case worker who makes the mistake doing her job, freeing some kids padlocked in a closet. Uh oh, now La Llorona is after Anna’s kids. I didn’t quite get the objective or methods of the villain in question. La Llorona (‘The Weeping Woman”) seems really into opening and shutting doors. In fact the scariest scene in the film involves two kids alone in a station wagon trying to keep windows up while some sort of spectral force keeps rolling them down. There’s a certain pettiness about a child and a ghost fighting for control of a car window that brings a smile to my face. I’m sure next they fight over the car radio.
So how will Linda rid herself of The Curse of La Llorona? Well, she’s gonna have to go outside the church on this one, calling for help from former priest Rafael Olvera (Raymond Cruz, the Hispanic Mark Ruffalo). Luckily, he’s got some repellent texmex to keep the ghost at bay.
The Curse of La Lorona wasn’t especially unique, intriguing, or scary. Mom is plagued by a ghost with severe boundary issues who weeps at her. Llorona likes to drown kids; hence, the solution seems like a no-brainer; just keep ‘em away from water for a while. If you think that’s difficult, you’ve never been to El Lay. At the end of the day, I don’t know much about why Llorona was there, what she wanted to do, or how she planned on doing it. But I do know she attracted a bunch of crowds when Avengers: Endgame was sold out. Looks like you folks got a double whammy.
♪Here comes a ghost that they call La Llorona
Tellin’ you she’s non grata persona
Boring old ghost so I’ll switch to My Sharona
Hey, My Sharona♫
Rated R, 93 Minutes
Director: Michael Chaves
Writer: Mikki Daughtry, Tobias Iaconis
Genre: Bad ghost! No biscuit!
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Horror junkies
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Undead brides
♪ Parody Inspired by “Macarena”
