Is it time for the Winter Olympics already? That’s the only thought I had watching X-Men parade into the street of a lonely town in their ridiculous matching ski lodge onesies. Watching the Olympic contingent from the Principality of Xenophobia or whatever land their X-Wing along X-streets and excise the X-Factor with X-rays from their immediate X-axis wasn’t half a stupid as the next moment when the cops show up. Why did the cops show up? Got me, but it’s critical to the plot. A bad plot. I’m getting ahead of myself.
Dark Phoenix is about the rise of the most powerful of the X-Men (or X-Women as the case ought to be), except that Phoenix (Sophie Turner adult, Summer Fontana as a fledgling) isn’t an X-Person; “she” has never been a person at all, mutant or otherwise. Phoenix is an alien. We know this because her people come looking for her on Earth where she’s been hanging out. Actually, wiki sez Phoenix might be human after all, but with mutant ability to absorb power. I’m not sure I buy that; I think the aliens are here to claim her again.
And here comes Vuk (Jessica Chastain) leading the horde of beings coming for “Jean” a.k.a. Phoenix. Geez, Jessica, with the pure blonde dye job and the lack of human emotion, you look about ready to host your own political slam job on Fox. Don’t worry X-Men, so long as you’re white and a tool, I’m sure she won’t harm you … but for all you blue X-Men, she’s gonna Vuk you up (and then probably deport you).
Both plot and direction have serious issues in this film. We get that from the outset when a team of young X-Men are sent off to save a space shuttle disaster. Well, gosh, would you look at that? The X-Men have technology that is, clearly, so far superior to NASA’s that any reasonable observer has to ask, “Why does NASA exist in this world?” And speaking of observers, there are lots of them on camera in this film. In the shuttle rescue, for instance, everyone just sits there waiting for Mystique (Jennifer Lawrence) to give them orders. A shape-shifter isn’t much use in space, apparently, so it was nice of the script to put her in charge. The standing-around-and-waiting-for-somebody-to-do-something direction is common throughout Dark Phoenix. If you want to love Avengers: Endgame, go see this picture and compare how heroes ought to act on screen.
Later, the film finds X-Man exile Michael Fassbender and the cameraman suddenly gets an erection. Clearly, he’s been waiting for this. While the picture thus far has entirely consisted of medium and long shots, when Mag-neat-o is on screen, suddenly, he’s the whole freaking screen. OK I get it; you like Michael Fassbender better than you like James McAvoy or Jennifer Lawrence or Jessica Chastain or Sophie Turner … sure, why not?
I don’t want to blame Sophie Turner here, but she is Dark Phoenix, the titular all-powerful X-Woman … and I found her struggling to generate the sympathy she needed to make this picture a winner. This is a flat performance in a flat movie. X-Men has forever been a dig at race relations in this country, but almost none of that comes across in this picture. It’s not necessarily a bad thing; who needs mutants to come along every two years and tell you to be generous of spirit? But if you’re not scoring political points, you better be scoring them elsewhere. I can’t name a single X-Man who will point to Dark Phoenix as their best work, but I can point point to several who will almost certainly regard it as their worst. Combine that with an uninspired heroine in the lead, action scenes that seem constantly waiting for full participation, and some script choices that flat-out contradict what we know of the X-Men and you’ve got yourself a rare Marvel miss.
And I’m sure Marvel Miss will be 2021’s X-Man offering.
The mutants have resurfaced on Earth
To provide not a single whit of mirth
As for this Phoenix
Results need a remix
“Up in flames” fared far better than “rebirth”
Rated PG-13, 113 Minutes
Director: Simon Kinburg
Writer: Simon Kinburg
Genre: Mutate this
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Desperate Sophie Turner fans
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: People who loved Endgame
