So where was Gamera, douchebags? You emptied the sack of
Zilla wafers, but forgot the gymnastic turtle at the bottom of the bag? Or did this box come without one, just like it avoided a toy surprise as well? Whatever. Godzilla is back to make seats rattle, skies boom, and heads snore … although I confess, there was more of the latter than the former in my case.
Technically a sequel, Godzilla: King of the Monsters is a follow up to Godzilla, in which the amphibious ultrasaur left his (literal) old stomping grounds and gave San Francisco a treat. Since then, he’s been dormant and hard to find. How hard were you looking?!
In the interim, humans have adapted … in really stupid ways. You see, there are many monsters out there, not just G-La and Dr. Emma Russell (Vera Farmiga) and her daughter Madison (Millie Bobby Brown) 
have developed an expensive dog-whistle for controlling the monsters. It works on Mothra, a giant moth (NO!) currently in caterpillar state, until a terrorist group led by Charles Dance shows up to free the big lug with the help of mulberry tree leaves and hand grenades. The terrorist group wants to free all the monsters, you see, in an effort to save humanity. Don’t try and piece that together; it doesn’t work.
Luckily for the terrorists, army guys in a Godzilla film are just as ineffective at protecting dormant monsters as they are at destroying their king. Before long, Mothra, three-headed dragon Monster Zero, and mountain-sized pteranodon Rodan have been denied the snooze button for this age and wake up angry. [Why were you not attacking Mothra in chrysalis form?! Never mind.]
I didn’t quite bank on the joy of many, many monsters until I realized, “Oh good, now there’s an undercard for the big Boston throwdown.” Hey, if they can have hockey outdoors at Fenway, they can certainly have WWF, pun definitely intended. “Live from Fenway Park, it’s the monsters of … monsters, see the bleachers explode with fury as avian legend Rodan powers through like a Mothra to flame. And then, the big match up … you don’t want to miss the battle of battles: Godzilla vs. Monster Zero. Never since Alien vs. Predator has an audience been this replete with amazement and ennui.”
Is anybody bugged about how easily buildings are destroyed in Godzillaworld? I mean, think about it: you wake up groggy, you go into the kitchen, you stub your toe on the table leg. What happens next? Do 
you roar with triumphant fury while the entire table disintegrates in flaming mass around you? Or do you say, “Ow! That freaking hurt!” while your toe turns red and the table remains fully intact exactly where it stood? Do we honestly believe skyscrapers are built with less integrity than your average IKEA product? Just sayin’.
One of the huge problems with the big dumb monster medium of film is conservation of character. Nowhere is this phenomenon more pitiful than in Godzilla: King of the Monsters, which had the same collection of army guys (led by O’Shea Jackson Jr.; I’ll just call them the “O’Sheas”) hopelessly “fight” monsters all over the globe from Antarctica to Mexico to Boston. The O’Sheas are humbled and decimated in every encounter, but that didn’t stop whatever military entity in control from regrouping them and shipping them off to their next devastation. O’Shea Jackson Jr. himself adds nothing to this screenplay. This is a Godzilla film, after all, where all men holding large guns exist only to show their collective impotence. Recycling them 
and pretending we care about their words and actions is a step beyond stupid. We barely tolerate Millie Bobby Brown in this film.
As with all Godzilla films, this one is too long, and blah, blah, blah, who cares? When you come for the monsters, everything that isn’t a monster on screen is a waste of time. And this film wastes a lot of time. Were I a kid, this would have been torture … all these humans and talking and shit making me wait for my monsters…WTF?! As an adult, I can appreciate exactly how stupid it is that the humans get a POV. It’s not enough that you’re wasting valuable screen time with Kyle Chandler and Ken Watanabe; the motivations for the humans in this film are shaking-my-head moronic. Just give us the monsters, boys, and we can leave mildly -instead of completely- unsatisfied.
♪She’s beyond redress, always leaves Toyko a mess
If you catch her stompin’, just pray, “God bless”
She’s powerful. She smokes enemies all day; she’ll do it til I’m old and gray
She doesn’t care a thing about Taipei
She makes things pitiful. Meet Godzilla♫
Rated PG-13, 131 Minutes
Director: Michael Dougherty
Writer: Michael Dougherty & Zach Shields
Genre: Godzilla ‘n’ pals
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: MST3K fans
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: “Not another one of these”
♪ Parody Inspired by “Meet Virginia”
