Earlier this summer, we made a hero of “Forky,” a monstrous anthropomorphic spork come to Frankensteinian life. If we can do that, how about “Sharky?” Surely this blind great white predator is more worthy of my respect than any of the teens in 47 Meters Down: Uncaged, right?
Today we’re enjoying a Yucatán heat wave where the sun is bright, the grass is green, and the sharks are ripe. John Corbett has neglected his Big Fat Greek network in favor of ancient Aztec/Toltec/MasTec ruins sunken exactly 47 Meters Down what appears to be the granite swimmin’ hole left by the kids in Breaking Away. Corbett is only a minor player here; the story is propelled by his teen daughters Mia (Sophie Nélisse) and Sasha (Corinne Foxx), not that you’ll be able to recognize them – 75% of the film is shot in caves underwater.
Under water is to film as business suits are to men. No, a suit can’t hide everything, but when you put matching suits on men and trot them out in a line, they pretty much all look alike. I’m quite certain this is why the business suit still exists – it almost completely levels the playing field for those who have spent more time on their careers than in the gym. Similarly, while no bikini-clad woman can hide a thing a on the beach, stick an oxygen tank and a mask on one, then start filming exclusively underwater and we shall see exactly whom is whom. Or not. I’m really bad at it.
There are roughly seventeen young women in 47 Meters Down: Uncaged and all them look like models. Mia is picked on and alienated by the other kids cuz … I dunno, she failed to match lip gloss and toenail polish one day last week? Sloughing off a glass-bottom boat ride, Sasha opts for fun with her bad girl friends. She drags Mia with her in the process. Some might see this as a display of step-sisterly support, I see it more as screenwriter desperation, being that 50% of the act III dialogue is, “OH NO! MIA! WHERE ARE YOU?” The foursome heads to the ol’ secret Oaxacan swimmin’ hole were dad’s team has conveniently left scuba equipment for curious teens to abuse. Yeah, there’s a mantra of “once around the [ruins] and back,” but you just know more than one of these girls is never going to see the surface again. How will these ladies avoid becoming a “Shark Sandwich*?”
My favorite part has to be all four coeds selling the wonder of centuries-eroded underwater statues. Yeah, nothing gets a teen girl wetter than raw ancient history. Then, of course, a big shark shows up and it’s on like Yuca-ton. Screams. Cries. Blood. Blocked exits. Oxygen deprivation. Yeah. We saw all that two years ago. There is also no point in this film is which the science works, but that’s not why we’re here. We want to see vaguely recognizable human shapes figuring out how not to be a Sharky Snack; of course, we need to start with several Sharky Snacks first to drive the objective home.
The climax gave this film life. Until then it was, dare I say, a dead fish in the water. Although too-little-too-late to save the film, the final five minutes of 47 Meters Down: Uncaged was legitimately exciting and a grand departure from the first 85. Do you see, movie? Do you see how refreshing it is when you have distinguishable characters that stop screaming and start thinking? Took you a while … and I can’t recommend the overall results … but the ending made me believe I was watching a better film than I had been.
♪I dive out in the deep end
Just some reckless teens and me
We scuba to some ruins
And here I am screwing with hist’ry
I ain’t nothin’ but clueless
Man, I’m just gonna drift and wait
Hey there, baby, how about some submerged jailbait?
You can’t start a fire
Or anything in that gen’ral ballpark
When underwater
And you’re just dancin’ with a shark♫
Rated PG-13, 90 Minutes
Director: Johannes Roberts
Writer: Ernest Riera, Johannes Roberts
Genre: Teen body count
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: The kind of teen who might *snicker* draw a lesson from this film.
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Mean Girls
♪ Parody Inspired by “Dancing in the Dark”
* Yes, I can print that. Watch me.
