Heed my words because I have no wish to repeat myself: “X has cancer” is NOT a plot. Oh to be sure, it looks like a plot. But it’s not. “X has cancer and wants to _____________ before they die…” now that’s a plot. The reason is simple – where’s the conflict? “Somebody might die” isn’t a conflict; it’s a possibility, an outcome. The plot hinges on the outcome, but the plot isn’t the outcome and neither is the conflict.
Hence, The Art of Racing in the Rain didn’t actually find a plot until well after the hour mark, and when it finally got one, it was so terrible I wanted to walk out. But I’m getting ahead of myself; there’s a lot of crap to cover first. Following in the shallow paws of A Dog Narrates the Movie, parts I & II, Racing in the Rain is brought to us by Enzo the Golden Retriever, and considering that the events were presented by a dog is more than enough to explain why the plot is missing; not to stereotype, but dogs are notoriously free flow authors. Enzo (voice of Kevin Costner – by the worm-infested corpse of Lassie, was that ever a mistake) is wise and world-weary, just like every puppy. Oh, and Denny (Milo Ventimiglia) the race-car man named him after Enzo Ferrari.
You’re not going to believe I hated this film on its foundation alone when I point out how disgusted I am with yet another tribute to auto racing. This is stuff that should have been curtailed in the 1970s, when our nation realized exactly how vulnerable oil dependency made it. Now? The glorification of wasting fossil fuels goes well beyond uncommon sense; you may as well cast a vote for some idiot who promises to bring coal jobs back. Oh.
Milo Ventimiglia mastered driving a real-life car for the role … now only if he could master the art of shaving. Milo plays hotshot racer Denny, a bad-weather phenom who dreams of the Gran Prix, as European drivers are allowed to make right-hand turns. He sums up what makes him so successful driving in the rain as, ironically, he’s in control; he doesn’t let the rain dictate a perilous caution so much a suggest a style where Denny still stays in control of the vehicle and the outcome – it’s all metaphorical, doncha see? Denny is not daunted by the “rain” in his life where others would be.
This theme is tested by a new wife, Eve (Amanda Seyfried), and further tested when Eve contracts painful brain cancer or some fool thing. Seriously, novelists, screenplay writers – what did you do, check off a list of ways to manipulate adults with a third grade education? “Well, we’ve got ‘dogs’ and ‘race cars,’ now we need something for the ladies …” Tell me, fellas, were they all out of stock at the pony store?
Denny’s race car boss is played by Gary Cole. It is 100% impossible not to juxtapose Gary Cole with a race track and not come up with Talladega Nights, which gave me several unintended chuckles.
Oh, did I mention? The dog is actually kind of disturbed. In the movie’s only –an in retrospect unintentionally- funny scene, this wise-as-the-hills magical hybrid dog-human companion of empathy and valor imagines that he is being taunted by a stuffed zebra. After viewing this insight into canine hallucination, one can but conclude either all dogs are insane or just this one, but insanity is part of this film whether we choose to acknowledge it or not.
I’d like to say I was disappointed, but what did you expect, Jim? This is the kind of film in which revenge is taken with a shit on the carpet. Literally. I have no doubt this screenplay will appeal to any number of weak-willed individuals … people who see that the film is about a dog and fall over themselves with praise. That’s fine if the film is aimed at pre-pubescence. But this film was also about cancer and court and car collisions and child custody, and by the time you get through with all that alliteration, you might realize, like me, that this was a pandering life-defining adulthood synopsis that didn’t intentionally make me smile even once. Feel free to race this film straight to the nearest junkyard.
♪All the gifts have come
That striped horse is dumb
Teddy doesn’t fear the zebra
Neither Denny, Eve, nor Zoe; you can be like they are
Come on Enzo, don’t fear the zebra
Take it easy, don’t fear the zebra
What the HELL is wrong with you?!
Doggie take a chill♫
Rated PG, 109 Minutes
Director: Simon Curtis
Writer: Mark Bomback
Genre: Pandering
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Suckers
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: People who like their manipulation with a side of
♪ Parody Inspired by “(Don’t Fear) The Reaper”
