My hard line stance towards soccer has softened considerably over the years. I’m not the same person who penned Soccer Sucks – available on this website, btw. Soccer still does suck, of course; however, I no longer care whether or not you think so, too. Fact is I find so many sports boring these days, soccer just got there first. Hence, I find movies about soccer players and soccer matches equally as intriguing or off-putting as movies regarding athletes into anything … fencing, jai alai, Rollerball, etc. – the game doesn’t matter; you gotta sell me on the character.
Dimwitted soccer star Diamantino (Carloto Cotta) blows the World Cup with a penalty kick that could have been stopped by my grandmother … the one who died in 1997, not necessarily the one who died in the 1965; she’d have some trouble with it, I think. Hence, Sweden beats Portugal 1-0, which should delight many a Swede. How did we get this Diamantino-in-the-rough? Well … see, usually when this Portuguese water log plays his little game, he envisions the opponents, no joke, as big fluffy puppies. However, yesterday on his private yacht he was introduced to the concept of refugees, people escaping horrible situations by clinging to rafts and settling with whatever country will take them. So when the time came to visualize a big fluffy puppy, Diamantino instead viewed the tidal wave that claimed the life of a small refugee boy.
Gripped with the kind of existential crisis only available to idiots, Diamantino quits soccer and decides to take in a refugee. His idea of making the world a better place is devoting 100% of his energies to feeding a random poor refugee child Nutella waffles and Bongo juice. Gotta say … naïve as Diamantino is, there are worse ways of making the world a better place. Many, many worse. Unfortunately, Diamantino cannot tell the difference between a human and a big fluffy puppy, hence instead of acquiring a teen boy from Mozambique, he has instead collected Aisha (Cleo Tavares), a twentysomething co-ed undercover agent investigating possible money laundering ties to Diamantino. The lug with cleats-for-brains believes he has become father to a teen boy from Mozambique.
And what a lucky boy, er, girl to get to sleep on an entire set of linens depicting the likeness of your new step-father. At one point, we see Diamantino himself uses Diamantino-themed sheets, comforter, and pillow cases. The idea of waking up to your own face is beyond disturbing.
Meanwhile, this film had a message, I think. See, the right wing forces of Portugal have hit upon the perfect scheme to consolidate power: clone Diamantino eleven times to create an unbeatable soccer team and use the newfound nationalist fervor to exit the EU and build an enormous wall on the Spanish border. What is it about fascists and the desire to wall off a country from Spanish speakers?
Ummmm … did I mention the part where Diamantino grows breasts? Never mind. Suffice to say, this is a weird film and not intended for all audiences.
The gimmickry of Diamantino slightly outweighs the Basic Cinderella feel of the film – Diamantino is constantly hounded by his evil twin sisters (Anabela Moreira and Margarida Moreira). I’m not sure the inanity of the protagonist, the incest angle, or the visions of giant puppies blocking a soccer goal is worth the price of admission, but they will give you something to talk about the next day. If that’s enough for you, gooooooooooaaaallll!
There once was a soccer playing star
Whose case went beyond bizarre
He developed a chest
I can’t tell you the rest
But you should know this film is rated “R”
Rated R, 96 Minutes
Director: Gabriel Abrantes, Daniel Schmidt
Writer: Gabriel Abrantes, Daniel Schmidt
Genre: The one which accounts for men growing breasts to protest fascism
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: The curious
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Mike Pence
