Big deal. Yawn. Seriously. Not long ago, a number of cynical executives asked themselves exactly how much people would pay for another two unremarkable episodes of “Downton Abbey.” The answer was “theater film prices” and many, many suckers fell for it. How does Downton Abbey on the big screen differ from “Downton Abbey” on PBS? Longer tracking shots and lawn grooming in period costume.
That’s it.
For the PBS challenged, Downton Abbey tells the ironically pedestrian 1920s adventures of minor royal the Earl of Grantham, his family of bourgeois leeches, and the small army of servants in their employ. The titular and scenic castle serves as home and setting for nearly every scene, which makes sense as the Abbey seems to be the sole employer and only standing edifice in the lush and tragically English hamlet of Northcatheterwilloughbridgelandshire-upon-the-Toady.
There’s nothing else in the screenplay that suggests a theater release was necessary. Sure, the plot revolves around Downton hosting (*gasp*) the king and queen! Honestly? If that sounds like a cheap sweeps gimmick, it’s only because it is. Think about it. What if you heard the promo: “Tonight, ‘The Sopranos‘ host the President!” What would your response be? Initially, “Oh, I gotta see that episode!” In the long run, however, would you expect the episode to be anomalous or canonical? Would it be fleeting or telling? Would it reveal anything about your favorite characters? Of course not, because every character on the show would be rooted in their Presidential-dominated storyline. Welcome to Downton Abbey, the movie.
It is 1927 and King George and Queen Mary have decided to visit the Crawley estate as part of their “Bohemian Rhapsody” tour. Naturally, everybody is up in arms about the royal visit … and you know what looks really awesome on film? Grooming and tidying up. Well, I suppose if you’re a serious Type A you can get a jolly from folks either cleaning things or fretting about cleaning things. For the rest of us, this whole plot line seems a little, well, underdeveloped.
For your benefit, however, the steelfrogblog has acquired first draft transcripts co-written by the Fifty Shades people:
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Lady Grantham (Elizabeth McGovern): Rumor has it the king has very particular tastes.
Lord Grantham (Hugh Bonneville): I had not heard such. How particular?
Lady Grantham: I think we may need to prepare the “recreation” room.
Lord Grantham: I shall ask Barrow to polish the instruments posthaste.
Lady Grantham: Is he up to the task?
Lady Edith (Laura Carmichael): I have a line in this movie!
Lord Grantham: Quite right. This is too important to assign to a mere A+ servant. I shall bring Carson out of retirement.
Maggie Smith: {something sarcastic}
{Wait for polite audience tittering. Change scene to downstairs. Note to set designer: make sure the downstairs is practically third world compared with the places where the important people hang out.}
Mr. Bates (Brendan Coyle): Sir, you forget yourself. As the third or fourth or possibly ninth most important member of the staff, I am in charge of the Downton “devices”
Royal servant #1: Ah, but I am his majesty’s royal phallus caddy. I outrank you.
Daisy (Sophie McShera): I have a line in this movie!
Mr. Bates: We shall see about that.
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These scenes were cut for intrigue and genuine content.
You think I’m kidding, but I’m not. The film is entirely concerned with making characters we love prepare for characters we don’t know. Every cast member is cheated of depth. But then, that’s par for the course – with somewhere around forty characters to juggle and inadequate screentime for any plotline development whatsoever, Downton Abbey plays like the cinematic equivalent of Mambo #5.
The film also plays like two feel-good episodes neatly juxtaposed. I couldn’t help but notice how the film’s true denouement occurred spiffily at the 57 minute mark. How convenient. Speaking of which, said climax had to involve new characters. You see, we love the Downton denizens so much, we couldn’t possibly have them oppose each other. All the villains in the film had to be imported. Most of them are members of the king and queen’s traveling staff; the royals should really look into the fact that their entourage are all sociopaths.
Hogwarts fans will get a good tongue-in-cheek nod at watching Maggie Smith and Imelda Staunton go at it one last time.
Ever since Gosford Park, one of the things that has really bugged me about the writing of Julian Fellowes is the constant pissing contests for servant pole position and this film is the apex of said stupidity. It’s not just that you’ve reduced the 99% to questions of vanity and it’s not that this isn’t important to the people in question (if this is your life, of course it’s important). My issue is that it shouldn’t be important. It’s not just that these story lines feel like: “my second class citizenship is better than your second class citizenship” — brought to you by white women for Trump, it’s that as these plots evolve there is a clear feeling that the downstairs crowd is not as important as their titled superiors. And we know the film film feels this way because we lose the servants 90 minutes in and finish the film entirely focused on royals and their concerns.
Look, if you’re willing to shell out movie prices for another two fairly inconsequential episodes of “Downton Abbey,” well, be my guest, but there’s almost nothing here for genuine film fans besides the nearly G-rated and overpoplulated period squabbles within the local frathouse.
♪A little bit of Patmore with my food
A little bit of Violet in a mood
A little bit of Andy with a sneer
A little bit of Branson making clear
A little bit of Carson setting rules
A little bit of seventeen more tools
A little bit of Talbot out of luck
A little bit of this makes me upchuck♫
Rated PG, 122 Minutes
Director: Michael Engler
Writer: Julian Fellowes
Genre: Slaughtering the cash cow
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Any fan of the TV program will be shown enough to convince themselves that this is a gem.
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Cynics
♪ Parody Inspired by “Mambo #5”
