Wait. Wait. I know this one. It’s the French Prince against the French Prince; is it The French Connection? The French Connection II? The French Connection III?
Look, don’t even start on my deliberate mishearing of “French” v “Fresh.” In Gemini Man, old Will Smith gets to talk, straight-faced, about growing up in Philadelphia, so this film was already satire on at least one level.
Henry Brogan (Smith) is a trained assassin. How good is he? Let me illustrate: there’s a bullet train on its way to Paris traveling 210 km/hour…meanwhile there’s another bullet train headed in the opposite direction traveling 160 km/hour, how long until … hold up, that’s a math problem, not a movie. Henry lies in a field 2k from the train tracks with a rifle and takes out a window seat passenger on the train traveling perpendicular to his trajectory. His handler is so confident that he sits window seat just two rows in back of the target. So.many.questions. The first and most obvious (to me) being: “How long does it take a bullet to travel 2k?” You gotta have some serious lead there, right?
Sorry, I need to math-nerd this. [quick research] The fastest bullets travel at 2,600 ft/sec. 2k = 6,562 ft. 6,562 ft./2,600 = 2.5 seconds. A train traveling 210 km/hour covers 688,976 ft/hour or 191.4 feet/second. Hence, in 2.5 seconds that train will cover 478 feet, or roughly the entire length of a passenger train. So to assassinate a guy in a window seat from 2k away, you gotta lead entire train length away. And you have the window of the diameter of a human head [8? 9? inches, maybe] Oh, and let’s not forget that Henry had to readjust on the fly because a child had to be removed from the scene. This is all assuming a 2D plane, btw; height also tends to be a concern for projectiles, I’m told … especially when gravity comes into play.
You know what? That’s bullshit. No human could hit a moving target like that with consistent accuracy. And there are too many variables (wind for one) to assume your hit attempt would be smooth. And I wouldn’t expect head shot accuracy in a vacuum even if had an Olympic gold medalist or fictional Jack Reacher as the hitter. And there’s no way the handler is putting himself in play. None. This is bullshit.
Whaddaya know? This did become a math problem.
So, hey, this started poorly, didn’t it? Gemini Man had a bunch of potential. Basically, a burned out hitman decides to retire only to discover he’s a target, and his assassin is himself 30 years younger. Whaaaaa? Yeah, there should have been a whole cavalcade of fun over the psychology of the plot. And the CGI and stunt people had field day with this one. Gosh, there’s a plot you don’t see everyday … so long as you haven’t been watching Looper on a daily basis or anything. Is this film as good as Looper? Not by a -dare I say?- long shot.
During the “fishing trip” where he gets a debriefing of sorts, Henry correctly surmises he is being surveilled in the person of Mary Elizabeth Winstead; this is great, cuz ever since Scott Pilgrim, I wished Mary Elizabeth Winstead were in more stuff, and she gets to hang around a bunch in this film because hours after Henry makes bait shop girl, both of them are attacked, and it’s only a matter of time before the second coming of French Prince to finish ‘em off.
Was the film any good? I always like Will Smith, but he plays too serious in this role. Also, how hard would it be, really, to convince younger you of your own wisdom? If I found a replica of me half my age all I’d have to say is, “Look, we both know that Gosford Park and Passion of the Christ sucked. Other people are idiots.” Then I’d hit him with advice: “Stop caring about sports. Seriously. You’ll be so much happier.” Before long, me & me would be buds just like Michael Cera and himself in Scott Pilgrim.
Didn’t think I’d drop not one, but two Scott Pilgrims [“Scotts Pilgrim?”]in this review, didja?
Gemini Man has an unmistakably video tape style cinematography. I rarely talk about film quality, but it’s impossible for a cinephiles to miss here. I do not know whether this was deliberate because of the 3D or the enormous amount of CGI needed or both, but it makes much of the film feel like we’re watching reality TV. The effect is simple: “I’m watching a movie.” It’s impossible to get absorbed by the story when you’re acutely aware that this is actors reading lines.
I liked the action in this film; a man doesn’t generally use a motorcycle as a hand weapon, especially against himself. I liked the surrealness of a man hunting himself even if it didn’t quite feel or conclude right. I think the use of surrogate father Clive Owen, however, was a mistake. His character doesn’t make a whole lot of sense, and sending his “child” to attack his “friend” is beyond heartless. This becomes a film you can’t take seriously and that’s before we get into his Frenchness opening up about childhood in Philly. I wish that were good enough. There’s promise here, but not enough legitimate payoff, and a late reveal required an eyeroll so violent I’m seeing an ophthalmologist next week.
♪Yeah
One, two French Princes here to bore ya
Up on the screen now
Princes, assassin skillz galore ya
They’ll take your head now
One can shoot eyes out of their sockets
From miles away now
The other demolition rockets
Will make your day now
Root for him or root for me
We’re the same hitter, baby, can’t you see?
I have seen the future and, hey, that’s me
But I’m not exactly sure what this film supposed to be♫
Rated PG-13, 117 Minutes
Director: Ang Lee
Writer: David Benioff and Billy Ray and Darren Lemke
Genre: Fun with CGI
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: French Princes and amateur psychologists
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: People who never battle themselves
♪ Parody Inspired by “Two Princes”
