I’ve discovered the secret to defeating the Terminator future: send somebody slightly hotter back. The robots send Arnold Schwarzenegger, we send Michael Biehn. The robots send Robert Patrick, we send Arnie. So now they send Latin hotster Gabriel Luna and we gotta counter with MacKenzie Davis. Heaven forfend the ‘bots turn it up a notch, cuz I dunno if Michael B. Jordan or Margot Robbie is quite up for time travel, y’know?
In an effort to reboot a dead robot, James Cameron was brought back to pronounce himself king of this world of Terminator; Cameron acted as writer and producer and, in return, we all conveniently “forgot” there was a Terminator film after Terminator 2: Judgment Day. It’s not like the moments since liquid Terminator first hit the screen have exactly been gems, so that all is fine with me … I mean, so long as this film doesn’t have Linda Hamilton making speeches again … d’oh!
The fate of the doomed human future begins in Mexico City; that’s like the new El Lay, right? And Sarah Connor (Hamilton) has been replaced by Dani Ramos (Natalia Reyes). The Schwarzenegger Terminator is now the REV-9 (Luna) and Michael Biehn is now MacKenzie Davis, got it? Yeah, that’s pretty much all you need to know.
Grace (Davis) is actually a human with a synthetic interior, ideal for taking big hits, but apparently she requires a shot of grapefruit juice in 
her ass every six hours to keep it going. So long as she doesn’t take one of those sword-like Terminator hits the REV-9 delivers to everybody else, well, she stands a good chance of protecting Dani for a healthy three seconds. One of the big problems here is –like in T2– who knows exactly how indestructible the REV-9 is? The thing can take a howitzer to the face, count “one Mississippi, two Mississippi, three Mississippi,” then reform in its invisible jello mold like nothing happened. Oh, and the REV-9 has one new improvement over the past versions – it can separate into liquid guy and skeletal Terminator form so both can play at the same time, just in case there are, say, multiple foes (hint, hint).
This would be a good time to point out that the Schwarzenegger Terminator does appear in this film. A lot. And every bit of it is stupid. From the backstory where an errant Terminator –that looks not one little bit like Schwarzenegger- caps John Connor -that looks not one little bit like Edward Furlong– to the present day article of “Terminators and the Women who Love Them” on this month’s cover of Home & Ammo magazine, it’s all bad. Asking me to buy this termainaliciousness is like asking me to re-watch Linda Hamilton’s eye-rolling plea in T2 or Laura Dern’s stomach-churning scold in Jurassic Park.
Speaking of Jurassic Park, Terminator: Dark Fate reminded a great deal of Jurassic Park III, the one where they gave up saying something bigger and just made a horror film. Like JP3, Dark Fate works as a horror film. Unfortunately, however, with ass-kicking leads of Hamilton, Reyes, and Ramos, Dark Fate sought to be a feminist anthem like the world has ne’er seen. It doesn’t work on that level, and it sure doesn’t work whenever Arnie is on screen. I applaud the new-look REV-9 and the women who oppose him, but I’ll go no further than that.
♪I met him in a club
He was looking for “Connor”
He showed a big piece
And that kid was a goner
So I asked him for a date
And he logically agreed
Ain’t much for talkin’
And I’m not sure he can read
He doesn’t feel pity or remorse
That the reason I love him, of course
My Terminator, that guy is killin’ it tonight
My Terminator, no he doesn’t seem so bright
My Terminator, don’t give him any reason to fight
He’ll just destroy the town♫
Rated R, 128 Minutes
Director: Tim Miller
Writer: David S. Goyer & Justin Rhodes and Billy Ray
Genre: Terminating
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Terminators
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: People who have already seen this film several times over
♪ Parody Inspired by “Talk To Ya Later”
