So what do you do when you want to send a message in film form? And what do you do when the message engulfs not something higher, but a dumb slasher film? Finally, what do you do when you flub your message so badly that viewers wish this were just a dumb slasher pic?
In the wake of the Brett Kavanaugh hearings, I imagine many feminist screenplays were penned; a few decent ones made it to theaters. And at least one made the big screen by random chance, it turns out, for it is quite difficult to find any merit other than intent in the bro-shaming slasher reboot known as Black Christmas.
Snowy Hawthorne College has prepared for Christmas break with the ΔΚΟ house hosting a talent show (?) In the most enjoyable, yet most difficult to explain scene in the film, the sisters of ΜΚΕ have decided to do a little sexy dance routine for the boys at ΔΚΟ using costumes borrowed from the Mean Girls Christmas show. The ΔΚΟ fraternity has good reason to believe this will not go well as one of their premiere members was recently accused of rape by a Mu. Hence, questions: Deltas, why do you want this? What do you think is going to happen? And I know you Mus love to party, but why do you want to be within three zip codes of the Delta house, let alone Skimping All the Way on a Delta stage?
You won’t believe this, but it turns out the women were just there to bust on the Deltas, rewriting “Up on the House Top” to feature lyrics about daterape (ex. “Ho, ho, ho! I didn’t know!”) I want to reiterate here that this is the very best scene in the entire film. You won’t believe this, either, but it turns out the Deltas were not appreciative of the chastising. And nobody watching the film is surprised when Mus start being attacked by knife-bearing killers in black robes and dark masks.
This film wouldn’t have worked as a whodunit slasher; the acting is clumsy and so is the setup. The plot is obvious and not the least bit imaginative. How about the boys all fear for their lives from a serial daterape victim? It’s unoriginal, sure, but carries a weightier feminist message … and it sure beats the screaming-woman-slasher pic. Our main Mu, Imogen Poots, now 30, is a little old for college, especially righteous confrontational college, not When Harry Met Sally college. As I said, this film didn’t work as a straight slasher, imagine how it looks when supernatural misogyny is thrown in?
The worst part is that Black Christmas, a film that pits heroic women against crazed men, clearly intended to be an angry voice damning the rape culture we live and breathe, actually forgives the rapists. The exoneration is unintentional, I believe, but it’s hard to ignore the fact that several hooded killers are acting not of their own volition. Translating into the non-supernatural, Black Christmas seems to be forgiving rape culture among men who drink heavily … if they aren’t themselves, how can we accuse them for their actions when they are drunk? For a film that believes Supreme Court Justice Kavanaugh is a piece of shit who deserves far worse, Black Christmas delivered his side of the argument. Well done.
And for a film so obviously created with PC intention, the title itself makes you all look like jackasses. Black Christmas is the one with serial killing while White Christmas is about romance and song? Way to PC, people. I’m rating Black Christmas above the zero stars it deserves because 1) I believe there was an attempt here to denounce rape culture and transform victims into heroes, which is noble stuff, and 2) because I don’t wish to be lumped in with a group of misogynists who will hate this picture on its face, but there ain’t no joy in this particular Christmas carol.
♪I’m dreaming of a red Christmas
Just like the ones on HBO
Where the ice picks glisten
And crossbows hissin’
To pierce coeds, ho ho ho
I’m dreaming of a red Christmas
With every Greekrow girl I smite
May your TV be all full of dread
And my all your Christmases
See red♫
Rated PG-13, 92 Minutes
Director: Sophia Takal
Writer: Sophia Takal, April Wolfe
Genre: Making the holidays worse
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Magic busts
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: People who enter with expectations … of anything
♪ Parody Inspired by “White Christmas”
