The original “Charlie’s Angels” was a television coup: sexploitation disguised as feminism. Let me clarify: “disguised” in the same manner that a supermodel is “disguised” by a bikini. Still, horny teens and not-so-teens alike could erroneously claim that Farrah Fawcett poster was about a respect for thinking women as the TV show about undercover centerfold PIs could be spun as a clever homage to the fact that super hot women are constantly underrated. This makes perfect sense: if there’s one thing we know about really, really attractive women, it’s how they don’t get enough attention.
“Bosley” is now a position, not a name. Thus endeth the innovation. Forty years later and this is where Charlie’s Angels has gone. Don’t worry; all that was sacrificed was the sex and the hints of feminism.
When this series first came to the big screen, the reboot understood that sexploitation was no longer cool. To be certain, the films displayed attractive women, but cashed in more on celebrity and comic situational humor ahead of sexuality. Two decades later, this reboot has nothing. Nothing sexy, nothing comic, nothing feminist, and its biggest celebrity is still cashing in off Twilight.
So … welcome to the modern age: the Angels program has expanded; it’s now international. There are about a half-dozen Bosleys and my guess is they adopted an outreach program to employ Angels who weren’t necessarily smart or sexy, which is how they ended up with Sabina (Kristen Stewart). Yes, that is “Sabina.” The character is such a ditz she forgot the “r” in her own name. With this performance alone, I think Kristen single-handedly destroyed the Angels franchise. The opening “sting” has not an ounce of believe-ability. While Sabina has no problem outwitting the faux bad guys, her fallback mode is lack of knowledge –which completely undermines the entire Angel shtick.
Meanwhile, a plot developed. See, there’s a science company that makes science. And the head scientist in science company developed an energy-efficient portable power source. Science! Unfortunately, when abused, this cube has the ability to become a remote assassination tool. In case you know not silly pseudo-science flicks of the 20th century, this is the plot of The Man with the Golden Gun combined with the plot of Real Genius. And, boy, will you wish you were watching either of those films. This real genius of a scientist (Naomi Scott) somehow managed to create the most energy efficient device the planet has ever seen and at the same time couldn’t quite grasp the value of her work. Naturally, being fair-of-face and of superficial intelligence, Elena (Scott) becomes an Angel two scenes later.
Oh, but one has to appreciate the grandiose stupidity of the big caper scene in which the Angels steal the cube from science company HQ. Their plot involves lifting IDs from people who aren’t out-of-play and then all dressing to look like Elena at work. As this is entirely caught on camera, the effect is: “Hey look! Elena is committing corporate espionage in three different locations!” Yeah, that will save your bacon. Geez, for smart people, you’re incredibly daft.
Because Angels always suck in threes, Ella Balinska shows up to embarrass herself, too. This is one of those films in which you plead to the screen, “Eventually one of you is going to have to start acting, right?” Writer/Director/Bosley #8 Elizabeth Banks did well with the Pitch Perfect franchise. It got silly, but she knew her subject and her audience. This, however, is a misfire anyway you care to view it. I’d sooner buy Anna Kendrick and Rebel Wilson as superspies than this trio.
Ms. Banks felt she had a duty
To share the spy-side of beauty
Don’t matter what sex you sell
If your plot ain’t so swell
This franchise didn’t need a rebooty
Rated PG-13, 118 Minutes
Director: Elizabeth Banks
Writer: Elizabeth Banks
Genre: Spycrap
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Dunno. At this point, is there anybody actually still smitten with Kristen Stewart?
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Anyone with taste
