Can a bad movie be saved entirely by a “gotcha?” I suppose it depends on the movie … and the gotcha. Unfortunately, most of the “gotcha” films I can name: The Sixth Sense, Fight Club, The Wizard of Oz, etc. were already good films when you got the surprise. In Last Christmas, it’s more like: “OH! Oh. oh. Well, I guess that makes sense, sorta. Ok, I guess now I don’t hate this film with a passion so much as with a slow burn.”
Kate (Emilia Clarke) is an elf. A holiday store elf. She’s a fairly cute elf, yes, yet she’s also a frivolous, irresponsible, daft elf. She works for Santa (Michelle Yeoh) at a shop specializing in tacky Christmas crap. As if the contents of the shop were not enough to turn one’s stomach, the shop itself is open year round, so Kate has to wear her elf costume year-round, which would almost make me feel sorry for her were she not a complete zero.
Despite the heart transplant that should have set Kate on a path of righteousness and joy, Kate still abuses and alienates as if such were her paid profession. Try to imagine how much you must suck to have the body and face of Emilia Clarke and be homeless at the same time. Just picture that for a second. How many people do you have to alienate before you find there’s no room at the inn even when you look like a model? And Kate does actually have a home; she just doesn’t want it. Her immigrant Yugoslavian parents have never told her to get lost. Quite the opposite; Kate just doesn’t like her mom (Emma Thompson, pulling a Meryl Streep-like accent out of her ass for this role).
That doesn’t make me like you any better, Kate.
So who should come around but the guy from Crazy Rich Asians (Henry Golding – who apparently followed Michelle Yeoh from Singapore to London for this film). And Kate’s serial abuse doesn’t quite work on him; it’s like he has Kate immunity. Well, hey, dude-who-seems-impervious-to-my-self-destructive-and-manipulative-behavior … where have you been my entire life?
And where did you go, Tom (Golding)? Kate and Tom have a bizarre on-and-off thing going because he’s always off to his next virtuous endeavor while she’s stuffing stockings or stocking stuffings or whatever elves do in a Christmas store. The good news is Tom inspires Kate to think about somebody else for once, and we the audience get more of Emma Thompson’s slavtalk. And if that were enough for me, I’d be Noelrrific. BTW, does fear of Christmas make you a Noel Coward? Just asking.
Paced by the music of George Michael -which is not lost on anybody- Last Christmas the film is a genuine attempt at “Christmas classic.” Unfortunately, the film’s classicness is undermined by the two big questions it asks: Can a “gotcha” ending save a bad film? Are we supposed to take Christmas songs literally? Yeah, Last Christmas might create some moist eyes and repeat viewings, but if we’re still watching this with Grinch and Rudolph in 2025, I will eat an entire Yule Log.
Christmas romance on cinemactually
Often resonates unsatisfactually
When Yule lovers woo
In mediocre stew
Ditch this and watch Love Actually
Rated PG-13, 103 Minutes
Director: Paul Feig
Writer: Emma Thompson and Bryony Kimmings
Genre: A failed attempt at a timeless classic
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Suckers
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Cynics
