It sure looks like Lego … the interchangeable body parts, the “C” hands, the fact that every character looks essentially like every other character with different hair. So, tell me, why is this not Lego? Oh, I see. Lego movies are better.
Playmobil: The Movie opens with a song. It’s bright and cheery and forgettable. Marla (Anya Taylor-Joy), a non-toy human girl, sings about her future and the places she’ll go. Perhaps we’re fortunate It’s a Wonderful Life isn’t being remade in 2019; the opening would be George Bailey crooning into a suitcase. Marla’s younger brother Charlie (Gabriel Bateman) comes home so the two can enjoy their suburban follies involving plastic Playmobil avatars. Gotta get that product placement in before the movie turns into product placement.
Not content to thieve brazenly from Lego, Playmobil also thought they’d go the Disney route, killing off Marla and Charlie’s parents before reaching the cartoon portion of the film. Geez, what’s next, Playmobil? Are you gonna have Marla turn into an ice queen and sing a power ballad entitled “Slough It Off?” I should point out that the music portion of the film ended shortly thereafter. It’s like the film started out being a musical, got about 30 minutes in and suddenly realized nobody had any talent for songwriting.
Cut to four years later and Charlie is pissed off that -now- single mother Marla Bailey never wants to Playmobil any more. So he sneaks out of the house and … we’re in Manhattan?! No! That can’t be right, can it? OK, fine, we were in Manhattan the whole time. Really? Yeah, well, now let’s get us to Playmobil world which involves breaking into a convention and messing with models, which is the cheapest Narnia I’ve ever seen.
When Marla and Charlie transform into plastic icons, for reasons known only to Playmobilers, he is suddenly Thor while she looks the Stan’s mom on “South Park.” And they have adventures that involve Vikings and Cowboys and Raiders and Buccaneers, and subconsciously half the rest of the NFL as well.
Ok, that all said – Playmobil: The Movie wasn’t as bad as I’d feared. It had a few sweet moments, a giggle, a guffaw, a snark, and one character I actually adored, an animated James Bond knockoff named Rex Dasher (voice of Daniel Radcliffe). The truth is that while this mostly derivative hackery is not worth your time or your children’s time, it was better than a handful of family movies I’ve seen this year. Oh, I am staring right at you, Playing with Fire. Yeah, you. And you, Maleficent 2, and Dora can all kiss my asymptote. What’s an asymptote? That’s the imaginary line a curve will approach without ever meeting, like the line that separates quality from the films I just named. And of course, you can’t really kiss it, because you’ll never reach it no matter how hard you try. Oh, math joke. Eat it … everybody.
♪The snow falls round the suburbs tonight
While I was out shopping
We’re in New York City?
Are you f***ing shitting me?
My brother’s howling like a little bitch inside
Can’t shut that turd up, heaven knows I’ve tried
Don’t let him in, don’t let him see
Gotta protect my diary
Hey, Playmobil, what do you know
To make him blow?
Slough it off, slough it off
Send him packing in the snow
Slough it off, slough it off
Just let that wanker go
I don’t care what the neighbors say
Let his tantrum rage
He’s too old for Playmobil anyway♫
Rated PG, 99 Minutes
Director: Lino DiSalvo
Writer: Blaise Hemingway and Greg Erb & Jason Oremland
Genre: It looks like Lego. It smells like Lego. But it ain’t Lego.
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Your five-year-old Viking boy
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: “This isn’t Lego. This sucks.”
♪ Parody Inspired by “Let It Go”
