How refreshing! In an age of superherodom like no other, here’s a man granted unlimited super powers and has no desire whatsoever to engage in cosplay. Of course, then you have to ask: if you aren’t using God-like abilities to right wrongs or make the world a better place, then who are you, a Koch brother? From Harry Potter to Donald Trump, power must accompany accountability; otherwise you just have a spoiled brat and an empty film, which brings me to today’s offering, Absolutely Anything.
So there are these space aliens, see? Bear with me; this is a Terry Jones film after all. The man freaking brought space aliens to the crucifixion; he can certainly revise them for the 21st century. Anyway, a quasar of MIB-lookin’ aliens has stumbled upon Earth. Not a terribly sporting bunch, these aliens grant ultimate power to one random earthling and let that earthling’s use of said power decide the fate of us all. [This is irrelevant as the aliens –all voiced by Python gang members- destroy every planet they encounter regardless of Solomon-like use of power, but that’s besides the point] The spinning wheel of random Earth beings comes right up to Sarah Palin (ha ha) before settling on English school teacher Neil (Simon Pegg).
It takes Neil a fair amount of time to realize he can do Absolutely Anything. For some strange reason, he fails to connect a fleeting wish that aliens blow up his classroom with aliens actually blowing up his classroom. Oh well. Ultimate power is rarely among a game for the wise. But he does get to eventual understanding of his new abilities so that the film can cash in not one, not two, but three cases of a man being gaga for a woman who is just not into it. Absolutely Anything asks the key question here: do you really want to force a woman to love you? However, just asking the question doesn’t stop the film from exercising the hero’s power to make it happen again and again anyway.
The most poignant question in the film comes in Act II. Absolutely Anything queries: if you could grant the power of speech to your dog and your dog started talking like Robin Williams, how long would it take until you took that power away from your dog? For me, that interval would be just about thirty seconds. Fans of the cartoon Aladdin might do a bit of a double-take when Robin Williams dog starts calling Neil “Master.” Now there’s an unnecessary reference.
Absolutely Anything reminded me of two other mediocre average-guy-gets-amazing-powers films: Modern Problems and Bruce Almighty. Like those films, this one challenges the viewer to justify whatever stupid thing the hero is doing on screen. Unlimited power and you’re using it to … get dressed? Have champagne for breakfast? Catch a bus? Gee, really pushing that envelope, huh fellas? Other than scope – the film almost childishly shies away from solving global issues – the biggest problem with the film is the pedantic nature of the power response. After understanding that he’s blown up his class, Neil wants “everybody alive who was dead.” This creates a temporary global zombieland (Shaun of the Dead 2, amIright?). The film really, really milks this set of jokes where Neil’s literal words conflict with his intentions for the purposes of humor. This is the biggest reason why Neil cannot solve any weighty issues – essentially his powers, almost sentient in their response, react like a reluctant genie: “Yeah, I’ll do what you say, but I’ll make sure you don’t like it.” I found this wish-undermining both tiresome and a cop-out.
I like Pegg and Jones. I’m not sold on Kate Beckinsale as the universal object of desire, but –you know- it’s not like your hero could choose anyone in the entire world, right? There are a few jokes here your child will like and some nifty use of special effects, but almost nothing in the film will justify an R-rating or the misuse of talent.
♪ (I am, I am)
I am Simon-man and I can do anything
(I am, I am)
I am Simon-man and sci-fi is what I’ll bring
You don’t really love this joke I can tell, now, do you?
I can tell Edgar Wright from wrong and maybe we’ll make AA2♫
Rated R, 85 Minutes
Director: Terry Jones
Writer: Terry Jones, Gavin Scott
Genre: Simon Pegg Almighty
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: I dunno. Pegg fans, maybe?
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: People frustrated with such trivial use of ultimate power
♪ Parody Inspired by “Superman”
