So lemme get this straight – this is a community of creatures which revere the post office?! And civil service? And manual labor? Is this what happens when you don’t have a professional football franchise? You end up worshipping the DHL guy?
Swifty (voice of Jeremy Renner) is a white arctic fox. I won’t say he’s into white supremacy or anything, but, curiously, he emphasizes his natural camouflage by wearing all white outfits. I have no idea where you’re going with this, movie … and the movie didn’t know, either. Two minutes of screen time later, Swifty is no longer a child, cares nothing for anonymity, and instead longs to be a celebrity of the community, one of the Arctic Dogs.
The Arctic Dogs [read: Wolves] are a trio of well-built Huskies (?) Malamutes (?) Samoyeds (?) Chihuahuas-on-steroids (?) who drag package-filled sleds around the sparsely populated tundra and finish their deliveries by signing autographs. Seriously. Imagine after the FedEx guy gets your signature to release a package, you turn around and tell them, “Can I have your signature? I think I have a package for you, too (wink).”
Before we know it, Swifty is part of the mail-processing team at Arctic Blast Delivery Service, but for all his dreams of pulling the sled, he is told “stay in your lane,” as a 19-pound Arctic Fox is “not capable” of pulling a sled. And here is where the film becomes problematic because Swifty hasn’t yet shown good reason why we should root for him and his obsession to pull the sled crosses a line when scientist Jade Fox (Heidi Klum) has a rush delivery for mad scientist Otto Von Walrus (John Cleese). Here’s a question: can you name a fictional walrus we’re supposed to like? I got “Chumley,” the flunky from the “Tennessee Tuxedo” show; that’s about it.
Like so many films, Arctic Dogs is the kind which works much better when you care about the protagonist. By the time Swifty broke protocol to deliver a package against orders, I stopped caring about him. I also stopped caring about the otherwise likable Jade Fox, because for all her brains, she never figured out that she was just a tool for evil. There are so many good lessons to take from this film (take pride in your work, physical attributes aren’t everything, be your own hero, global warming is man-made and has dire consequences, etc.) that it became a tragedy when Swifty proved early-on he wasn’t worth our attention. I totally get that you don’t want to believe global warming because the messenger was Al Gore; who wants to listen to Al Gore? At the end of the day, however, this spoils some good messages and what should have been a positive viewing experience.
By grunting through the icy fjords
A perpetual goal to aim towards
For this Arctic “Dog”
It’s manual slog
Congrats! You’re reaping the rewards
Rated PG, 92 Minutes
Director: Aaron Woodley
Writer: Bob Barlen, Cal Brunker, Aaron Woodley
Genre: Poorly executed lessons for kids
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Civil servants?
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Uncivil servants?
