Question: is Martin Lawrence the black Alex Winter or is Alex Winter the white Martin Lawrence? I suppose that isn’t quite fair to Martin, who was a legitimate comedian and TV star before networks developed any standards. But looking at career trajectory, it’s the same, no? They are both men whose biggest and only true success –and I swear to God, if you bring up Big Momma’s House, Ima slap you silly—is riding the coattails of a legitimate movie star before the world acknowledged him as such. Congratulations, Martin/Alex, you sponged long before the rest of us had any idea.
Before I begin, let me share my thoughts on the Bad Boys franchise going into this movie: I hated the original Bad Boys; it was a puerile, dick-measuring mess with a lame plot and one plot point so stupid it’s currently in Ukraine trying to dig up dirt on Joe Biden. And Bad Boys II was even worse. Suffice to say, I was not looking forward to Bad Boys for Life, which struck me as taking dick-measuring contests to a middle-aged place of sadness and hernias. And in a way –in several ways- Bad Boys for Life was exactly what I feared, and yet, I enjoyed the film all the same. Go figure.
The action starts right off with unrepentant bachelor Detective Mike Lowrey (Will Smith) breaknecking his pussymobile all over every street in downtown Miami while his somewhat saner partner Detective Marcus Burnett (Lawrence) complains. As Rifftrax would put it, “Ha! His common sense is portrayed as cowardice.” Where’s the fire, Boys? Oh, the birth of Burnett’s grandchild. Ok, that was a heap of unnecessary citizen endangerment, but I see the film has sense enough not to pretend the detectives aren’t dinosaurs. In fact, Burnett retires next scene, which goes along fine until Mexican mother/son tandem of evil (Kate del Castillo/ Jacob Scipio) decides to take a hit out on half the law enforcement playahs in Miami.
Cut to old men embarrassing themselves; in an effort to get Burnett back to the force, a footrace challenge is issued between he and Lowery. I’m trying to imagine a time in which I thought Martin Lawrence could beat Will Smith in a footrace. Nope. I cannot. Wait. Lawrence was born in 1965; Smith in 1968 … so for that limited window in which Martin Lawrence was an ambulatory toddler and Mr. Smith had not yet gone to Washington, I suppose toddler Lawrence could conceivably have beaten Will Smith in a test of foot speed. But it would have been really close. Anyway, Lowery wins and loses. The much fitter Lowery “sprints” ahead to lead by a miracle mile, but gets shot by a motorbike riding Armando (Scipio).
This action takes the film to a different place. We no longer have to pretend either man has the skill set he had in 1995, when the first Bad Boys took place. Similarly, Bad Boys for Life explored the machinations of modern police work with respect to badged dinosaurs and the psychology of the detective v. the assailant. Here, the film works on two levels – there’s the part where huffy Detective Lowery bucks police procedure and ends up in shootouts where he’s parallel to the ground and the part where we fully acknowledge that Lowery’s skill set and approach are both relics.
Don’t get me wrong; there’s still a whole buncha silly here, like the fact that the whipper-snapper commando team scoffing Lowery’s archaic demeanor includes Vanessa Hudgens and Charles Melton (fellas, before you sell me on your badassery, you might wish to explain how your only notable roles to date are playing somebody’s crush in High School Musical and The Sun Is Also a Star, respectively).
So … you know how we want “baby” everything? “Tell us Batman’s origin story! Tell us about baby Yoda! Tell us about sane Joker!” This is the opposite. This is two guys whose days of abusing their power should be behind them, but they aren’t. Who would have guessed that perennial Bad Boys could live long enough to get arthritis and dementia? Bad Boys for Life is both the exact same film as its predecessors and a different film entirely; I liked the latter one which dealt with self-awareness, self-anxiety, and self-control. The Bad Boys for Life who recognize that Life and Mortality might be just beyond the next hurricane? Those are the guys who impress me more than the body-parallel-to-the-ground-while-firing-a-gun heroes.
♪Flab boys
Flab boys
Whatchagonnado?
Whatchagonnado
When you’re tubs of goo?♫
Rated R, 123 Minutes
Director: Adil El Arbi, Bilal Fallah
Writer: Chris Bremner and Peter Craig and Joe Carnahan
Genre: Beating a middle aged dead horse
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: The nostaligic
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Cops trying to lose a “Bad Boy” image
♪ Parody Inspired by “Bad Boys”
