You know what true horror fans really love? To be told exactly when each death is gonna happen. In fact, I think I could extend that thought to all film fans – doncha just love knowing exactly what’s going to happen next? That’s just the best!
At first, I skeptical for the title “Countdown” because it sounds like a rocket/space movie (or an English game show); after having endured Ad Astra and Lucy in the Sky already this month, I wasn’t looking forward to another turn in outer space. Turns out, however, this isn’t another crappy space movie; Countdown is another crappy horror film. And the horror all comes from -get this- breaking the “User Agreement” on the Countdown app.
High school kids discover a new app (“Countdown”) while at a party. Countdown serves no other function than to tell you when you’re going to die, which is useful if a bit morbid. Naturally, one co-ed is alarmed to find she has just three hours and change left in her life, and gets a little wigged out when she finds that her personal Countdown clock coincides with a drunk boyfriend ready to drive her home. Naturally, she opts to walk. The app then points out she’s broken the “User Agreement” and she dies at the same exact time anyway, but a demon or two shows up in this version. You see, since she “cheated” her death, she became subject to demonic stalking – which seems pretty irrelevant to me if the clock is the same. But otherwise, I suppose, there is no horror in this horror film.
Having killed off the only character we met, the film turns to aspiring nurse Quinn (Elizabeth Lail), who downloads the app in lieu of downloading a personality and discovers she has but three days left in her own life. Quickly afterwards, she realizes the app isn’t screwing around; three days is indeed her expiration date. Better consume before the clock runs out.
It’s hard not to be frustrated with Countdown. The film seems to have an original premise, but, really, how different is this than your average Final Destination movie? People know death is coming for them and the best they can do is panic. As I pointed out above, Countdown is even stupider for letting us know exactly when, hence, there’s no hoping or guessing involved. Countdown became to second major release in as many weeks to warn us about blindly agreeing to the electronic legalese disclaimers. Why are you so worried about this, movie? Who hurt you? After that, a standard series of horror clichés are selected and enacted: blind panic, terrible decisions, the black guy buying it first, etc. I was especially put off when Countdown introduced a sexual harassment angle which not only seemed out-of-place, but smacked of a screenplay looking for another hashtag because the first one had run its course.
I liked two things about Countdown: one was that it isn’t of the “Found Footage” horror variety. I don’t think we’ve lost “Found Footage” forever, but it’s a good sign that poorly acted teen horror is opting for better cinematography. The second was Father John (P.J. Byrne), the film’s nerdy exorcist; why Countdown decided to give one character energy when the rest were all lethargic sacks of ennui is beyond my ken, but this film was far better for the three seconds P.J. Byrne was on screen. That wasn’t even close to enough to make Countdown work.
I know that the previews aren’t done
But this premise don’t look like much fun
There goes Matt Damon
Our film, he is shamin’
This movie will suck in 3 … 2 … 1
Rated PG-13, 90 Minutes
Director: Justin Dec
Writer: Justin Dec
Genre: Death Apps
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Chronologists
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Film fans
