Well this wasn’t a good idea. I defy anybody to say it was. In a potentially career-ruining move, Robert Downey Jr. condescended to play beloved eccentric parselmouth Dr. John Dolittle. Was this a condition of parole? Is this part of an ongoing rehab? Is it step 9 of an AA 12 step program? We may never know, but what we do know is this is the kind of move that can scar an actor. Luckily, on the heels of Cats, nothing seems so bad comparatively. RDJ, you can talk to cats out the wazoo, just don’t dress up as one and start singing.
English veterinarian Dr. Dolittle doesn’t confine discussions to snakes; he can talk to all from the animal kingdom, which sounds like a wonderful asset until you realize all the animals are as neurotic as the doctor himself. Granted a luxury estate by royal proxy for services rendered years ago, Dolittle treats his house and grounds as if he’s starring in Castaway 2. On the very same day young Tommy (Harry Collett) has to push his way in to get medical treatment for a squirrel, Queen Victoria has requested a quack. Uh oh, looks like Dolittle has company … human company.
The running gag in all Dr. Dolittle tales is that Dolittle can speak with the animals, but –except for the parrot- they can’t manage to communicate with any other human. It’s an ideal story for any child who has wished they could talk to their pet hamster … although, I daresay, if they could, that child might not be overjoyed by the results. The problem with almost all of these anthropomorphized horror shows is that the animals rarely have anything worth saying; hence, even when they can talk, I kinda wish they wouldn’t. One set of jokes I did enjoy here is the duck who mistakes vegetables for human tools. Hence, the film gives us dialogue like this:
Dolittle: Scalpel
(Duck hands him a piece of celery)
Dolittle: (matter-of-factly) That is a piece of celery. Get me a scalpel.
(Duck takes action)
Dolittle: (matter-of-factly) That is the same piece of celery.
Ok, yeah, that and other iterations of the same joke made me giggle. However, Dolittle is constantly surrounded by animals, none of whom have personalities (“animalities?”) worth writing about. Hence, the action has to be turned up by humans like potential usurper to the throne Michael Sheen, and the Pirate King (Antonio Banderas) who Dolittle must finesse to cure the poisoned Queen Victoria (Jessie Buckley). In the end, the best thing that can be said for anybody in this film is at least it wasn’t Cats.
Over the years, Robert Downey has played many a classic 19th century fictional English character: Sherlock Holmes, Dr. Dolittle, Charlie Chaplin, etc. I’m guessing this is something he leans on when he gets sick of playing Tony Stark, yet one has to wonder what’s in it for him? Downey may not be recognized as best-of-the-best but he can’t be far off; when they make Avengers movies, we’re all waiting for Iron Man’s POV. Think about that with respect to how much talent the Marvel world has attracted. Do you not already have enough appeal to small children, Robert? What’s next? Barney the Dinosaur? Elmo? Wouldn’t Tinky Winky be ideal? You could infanticize your English alter ego into an art form.
Truth be told I expected much worse from Dolittle. If it looks like a train wreck, just wait until you get to the climax: a grand-scale colonoscopy. That all said, if there has to be a Dolittle movie, I’d much rather Downey was there in full commitment to the role than pretty much any comic actor out there. Trying to imagine Owen Wilson of Kevin Hart as Dr. Dolittle kinda churns my stomach. None of this was great or worth seeing even once … but it could have been worse.
♪If I could talk with the head of Stark Industry
And rapped about criminal busts with glee
I’d study every nuance of the iron suits
And get up to speed with high velocity
If I conferred with our metal friend, so subliminal
Think of all the hooligans to flee
If I could talk with the Iron Man clock with the Iron Man
Blast and scoff and block with the Iron Man
I’d start a justice spree♫
Rated PG, 101 Minutes
Director: Stephen Gaghan
Writer: Stephen Gaghan, Dan Gregor, Doug Mand
Genre: Films that happen when somebody loses a bet
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: A child small enough not to recognize Robert Downey as the same guy who plays Iron Man
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: The kind of big child old enough to weep at what has become of Iron Man
♪ Parody Inspired by “Talk to the Animals”
