As the production company titles finally yielded to a suspiciously CGI-looking mountain landscape, my brain latched onto a furious mantra: “Please don’t be magic! Please don’t be magic! Please don’t be magic!” And then robed dudes came out of the clouds soaring atop their hoverboard-sabers like they were surfing the air. “D’oh!”
China, google says you are home to 1.3 billion people; I know you have more looks than this. Don’t make me come over there.
Zhang Xiaofan (Xiao Zhan) is some sort of Chinese Cinderella. He lives in a remote monastery cooking and cleaning for a set of boys who get to have all the fun riding swords and kung fu-ing and stuff. The master of the castle doesn’t allow Xiaofan to study martial arts, but somehow expects him to know some anyway (?!) He also doesn’t allow any of his troops to study martial artistry outside the castle, so naturally they all sneak off at night to go spy on the maidens of disaster, or whatever this film decided to call them.
During a voyeur session of sorts, Xiaofan is discovered and isolated which leads circuitously to a moment where the kid discovers the –and I’m not making this up- “blood sucking bead” and the “soul chasing stick.” After being bitten by a monkey …Yes, a monkey. Why would I make that up? … Xiaofan’s blood activates the bead, and it combines with the stick to make the most powerful martial arts artifact ever: the “soul sucking shtick.” I’m sorry, that’s not it; that’s just my nickname for this film. Suffice to say, Xiaofan is now the most powerful warrior in the valley – although these battles are essentially watching Xiaofan stand there while the stick does all the work.
I’m being a little harsh on Jade Dynasty. It was marginally better than many of the sword/sandal/magic Chinese films I’ve seen lately. It still had some huge problems with it however, like trying to figure out the motivation for anybody in the film. Also, the movie waited until Act III to introduce the best villains – a trio of uniquely talented magical bad guys. I was hoping to see a showdown between the meek and humble Xioafan and these guys, but it never came to fruition. There were elements of a good film in here, but Jade Dynasty managed to botch the recipe.
Did you ever think Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon ruined martial arts films? The thought never would have crossed my mind except for the fact that I see a handful of Chinese films a year and over half of them are sword and magic films. It used to be fight choreography was all the rage. Now, it’s all “Monkey King” this and “who stole my magic pebble” that. Kung fu used to be about walking the walk and now it’s about sticking the stick. Well, I know exactly where to tell this film to stick it.
Little more than a lunch-serving maid
Xiaofan would always get played
Yet with pebble and stick
Everything’s gonna click
This kid’s got it made in the Jade
Not Rated, 101 Minutes
Director: Siu-Tung Ching
Writer: Jie Shen
Genre: Kung foolery
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Humble guys who find magic sticks
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Real life black belts, I imagine
