Harley Quinn has a PhD, does she? That’s news to me. So, it’s Doctor Quinn, is it? Tell me, doc, the bubble head routine … and the narcissistic, quixotic, psychotic behavior … are these just choices, then? Or is the life lesson never to fall into a vat of acid? I suppose the latter is just a given. Yet, imagine my surprise at discovering Dr. Quinn, Mescaline Woman once was a trusted professional shrink. That was, before, presumably, she bought a hyena and fed a human to it; I don’t know all the rules of the AMA, but I’m pretty sure stuff like that is frowned upon.
How much you enjoy Birds of Prey depends almost entirely upon how much you enjoy the hot mess that is Harley Quinn (Margot Robbie). Harley’s background is that she was once doctor to Joker at Arkham Asylum, but fell in love with her patient, and subsequently turned from what might have once been a recognizable human being into somebody who is constantly ready for Carnival. And then Joker broke up with her, awwwww. I’m telling you right now, if it’s the Joaquin Phoenix Joker, how much mourning are you actually gonna do there? Great performance? Yes. Romantic flypaper? No. The current Harley is shallow, fleeting, hedonistic, impulsive, and about as steady as a drunk bumblebee. She has zero sense of long-term happiness (or long-term anything for that matter), celebrating that fact at the start of the film by blowing up the slime factory where she and Joker made sweet, sweet sludge together.
Ah, but this story isn’t actually about Harley. It’s more like being told the tales of Harry Potter entirely through the lens of Draco Malfoy. Birds of Prey prominently features Dr. Quinn, but it’s all about a MacGuffin that Harley Quinn never touches. See, there’s a diamond the size of a grape, and as if that isn’t enough, within the interior of said diamond are etched the account numbers to piles of ill-gotten money. Hold up. Diamond. As in the world’s hardest substance, yes? I mean, the Mohs Scale still goes from Republican spines to Diamond, right? How exactly do you etch the interior of the world’s hardest substance? Or, hey, maybe it’s natural; maybe the diamond just evolved that way over millennia in a shocking coincidence. Apparently, the Feds have not actually appropriated these funds, meaning the diamond is the only key to the money … and it’s been stolen by an extra from “Stranger Things.”
The MacGuffin quest is led by underworld capo Roman Sionis (Ewan McGregor, who is equally as convincing as a mob chieftain as Harley Quinn is as a PhD). But Roman has company in this quest. Rosie Perez (wow. Where have you been?), Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Jurnee Smollett-Bell, and a whole lot of future dismemberments come along for the ride. Eventually violence
happens because Harley Quinn knows few other forms of expression. In unrealistic-even-for-a-comic-adaptation news, Harley shoots up a police station, not unlike Terminator, with a bean-bag rifle just to spring the kid with the secret decoder diamond.
A month ago, this film was titled Birds of Prey: or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb. When I saw it in a theater, it was called Birds of Prey, and today I found out the title is Harley Quinn: Birds of Prey. Dudes, make up your mind.
Birds of Prey is the kind of film where a Deus-ex-Machina is introduced to get Team Fallopia out of a jam. Oh yeah, in case you didn’t notice this is a very woman-heavy film, which would go further towards feminism if the lead’s actions weren’t motivated by a man who broke up with her –a man who didn’t even show up in the film. This is the kind of film you tend to find either 100% brilliant or 100% bullshit. Harley Quinn immediately goes down as one of the iconic “WTF?” characters in movie history alongside Ruby Rhod and Captain Jack Sparrow. This film is nearly apologetic in it’s support of Dr. Quinn, as if to say homicidal psychosis is perfectly acceptable if you’ve got a hot bod. I am of mixed feelings. I never bought into Harley, but she is undeniably watchable. As is this film, even if it sucks.
A treat for the graphic novel nerd
Who hangs on every glossy print word
Yet this psychotic dish
Makes one reviewer wish
He could just flip this Prey the Bird
Rated R, 109 Minutes
Director: Cathy Yan
Writer: Christina Hodson
Genre: Feminism with a carnival mallet
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Margot Robbie believers
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Misogynists
