Gretel gets top billing now, does she? Well sure, she’s worked hard for it; it’s about darn time. No, this isn’t about #MeToo or a glass ceiling. Clearly, Gretel has earned our respect.
I dunno what I’m talking about. Seriously, in this version, Gretel (Sophia Lillis) is already on the verge of fending-for-herself … after all, she’s handled It for two years. Meanwhile, Hansel (Samuel Leakey) is still an all-day-sucker kind of boy. It doesn’t make sense for the snot-nosed little brat to get pole position on the marquee while we pretend the only adult in the room is along for the ride.
Dour is the word. Taking a page from Robert Eggers’ creep debut, The Witch, Gretel & Hansel is dark, stark, and menacing. If you’re looking for some sort of cartoon-ish sugar fantasy-laden fairy tale a la Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory, you’ve come to the wrong place. This version of events begins with a tale about a child who was gifted the power of witchcraft as a child and used it for evil – really dick moves like having her father die by eating a white-hot poker. I think we take from this that said child grows up to be the witch who “befriends” our titular heroes, yet one can only guess from the complete lack of anyone or anything else in the picture.
Years later, mom tosses Gretel & Hansel out on their asses, and now you’re caught up. Far as I can tell, this tale takes place before the advent of villages, so basically kids just wander aimlessly around the forest hoping a cabin will appear and the occupant won’t, you know, try and eat them. There is, perhaps, a nod to Little Red Riding Hood when the kids are warned not to talk to wolves, but that’s a path untaken. Eventually, of course, Gretel & Hansel find the witch (Alice Krige) who will tempt them with sugary treats and, indeed, then try and eat them. Oh, tough break. Better luck next life.
Cinematography represents 90% of the power of Gretel & Hansel and most of it exists to give you the creeps. The film is badly underwritten, having almost no dialogue and maybe two plot points. The conflict mostly revolves around Gretel’s sense of self. Her internal debate mostly consists of: should I go with this whole “eating my brother” thing or maybe not? I wasn’t overjoyed with either her very fickle change of heart, the all-too-abrupt climax, nor a conclusion which made little sense in terms of what we just saw. It is fair to say this is a picture about atmosphere; it exists for people who have been told the tale of Hansel & Gretel, but thought the oral cautionary tale ending with a witch burning up in her own oven was just a bit too cheery for them. I think Sophia Lillis has a grand career ahead of her, but I doubt this is the film that cements her star in the Hollywood walk of fame.
♪I remember hunger pangs
Ignoring whiny bro harangues
A shadow in the trees
A feast through a window
What can be that sight?
The right path goes to
Mourning just another way
Happiness has gone astray
Spying, I can see
Something sugary
A cabin in the woods
Made of gingerbread, oh candy
You appeared and I ate without thinking
But it didn’t make sense, oh candy
Hansel, knock off all of that shrieking
Cause I’m chowing on fence, oh candy♫
Rated PG-13, 87 Minutes
Director: Oz Perkins
Writer: Rob Hayes
Genre: Instant depression
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Orphans
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Conniving witches
♪ Parody Inspired by “Mandy”
