Oh, this was a romance. I see it now. Here’s how I could tell: at the end of the film a couple kisses and resolves to be together. Here’s why I was confused – every.single.thing until that moment. Results is a fantastic “Guess the genre” film for lack of other identifiable characteristics within this boring slop. Halfway through, I genuinely started wondering: “Is it an action film? Clearly no. Crime? No. Comedy? Well, I haven’t laughed yet, so I’m guessing not. Not a horror film. Seems like a drama except I can’t see the conflict. Sci-fi? Are we gonna get some aliens up in this bitch? Gee, I hope so.” Ah, romance. Romance wasn’t on the radar.
Besides inspiring a round of “name that genre,” Results isn’t good for much. It presented three dull characters saying dull sayings, thinking dull thoughts, and acting dull actions. And it did this for almost two hours. The centerpiece is a fitness gym run by Trevor (Guy Pearce), who is equally as fascinating as a fitness ad. But the Pearce angle gets pierced and run aside for Act I so the film can follow a pointless and unrewarding relationship between fitness employee Kat (Cobie Smulders) and doughy millionaire Kevin Corrigan (Danny).
Danny’s idea of getting in shape is smoking a doobie and ordering a pizza, which might have been funny if presented by a different film. Writer/director Andrew Bujalski instead gave Kat all the humor of a wet cat and all the warmth of a frozen wet cat. As a result, when Danny finds hitting on his personal instructor mildly better than plank-ups or push-weights or whatever is in gym-wise these days, the result is unrewarding, unemotional sex. If there were such thing as a platonic sexual relationship, Results would be the dictionary definition.
You might know Kevin Corrigan as “Professor Professorson” from “Community.” This kept me going for the first forty minutes or so, but Results is a really boring film. It’s not just that Danny and Kat and Trevor are boring characters, I couldn’t even imagine the film or situations in which they might not be boring characters. I’ve never before seen a screenplay so desperately in need of a murder. Sorry, folks, all this one is gonna kill is time.
End notes: I suppose it was kind of nice to see Cobie Smulders do something on camera other than acquiesce: “Yes, Mr. Fury … right away, Mr. Fury.” It’s funny – I cannot remember the last time I saw Cobie not presented as Professional. Even in actionwear exercise clothes, she still looks like a fresh coat of lacquer has been applied to her exterior. So, yeah, it was nice to see “Beach Cobie.” FWIW, I think she is more attractive casual than professional, but it don’t matter none if she’s a human icicle.
Speaking of more attractive, Results had an Elizabeth Berridge sighting! If you’ve seen Amadeus a dozen times -as I have- you’ll know that name and that face and wonder what happened to her. The years have not been kind. ‘Nuff said. (Elizabeth, had you a career since 1984, I might not have been so alarmed.)
I can sum this whole thing up real easy. The Results: Awful.
I’m all for your get-in-shape tack
Choosing fitness over that late-night snack
Don’t wanna be a hater
But unless you’re Terminator
Workout entertainment is kinda wack
Rated R, 105 Minutes
Director: Andrew Bujalski
Writer: Andrew Bujalski
Genre: Your guess is as good as mine, even if you haven’t seen the film
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: People who wanted to see casual Cobie Smulders, and even then, you have to wait
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Any fan of movies anywhere
