Most of Twilight is like watching an awkward date between two people you hate; the rest of it is even worse. Twelve years ago, Stephenie Meyer’s awful novel became an awful movie. And awful is being kind. It doesn’t begin to describe the plotless awkward of watching two pale teenagers gawk at each other as if each thinks it’s time for the other person to speak.
Ah, but it isn’t two teens, is it? For Edward Cullen (and, believe me, if someone in high school asked me to call him “Edward,” that would be the best way to ensure that I did not) … anyhoo, Eddie C. (Robert Pattinson) is a vampire and is, hence, older than dirt. And while this crap worked charms for “Buffy the Vampire Slayer,” it sure-as-heck doesn’t here.
This paranormal teen romance takes place at Forks High School in Overcast, Washington. Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart) has just transferred from Arizona, which –I’m guessing- already had their landfill of Bella’s blasé. It’s a good thing Arizona has the Grand Canyon because most states wouldn’t be able to contain the depths of empty that Bella brings to the table. Instantly, and when I say “instantly” I mean thirty minutes later -nothing happens in this film- Bella has attracted perpetual high schooler, Ed. Actually, it’s not so much attracted as both kinda leer at each other as if daring the screenwriter to throw in something. No such luck; Catherine Hardwicke’s direction clearly reads, “stare at one another clumsily as if you’re looking 
at one of those ‘Magic Eye’ things.” Romance is in the gawk of the beholder.
Oh, and, silly me, this is a love triangle, isn’t it? Gosh, I haven’t even mentioned the werewolf, have I? Of course, neither has the film. Jacob (Taylor Lautner) doesn’t show his wolfiness until next film. So here, he just resembles the kind of punk who hangs out in the back of a 7-11. That is when he isn’t serving up his own finest glare. We will get to that in another film. For the most part, Jacob and his surfboarding pack remain in the shadows of this film.
As a study of the supernatural, Twilight is as unimpressive as it gets. Oh, these vamps are superfast and superstrong which might mean something if any one of them had personality above your average dish towel. And here is where the cape meets the collar: the one innovation Stephenie Meyer has added to undead folklore is hinted at in the perpetually rainy location of Forks. The Twilight vampires, I kid you not, sparkle in the sunshine. They don’t die; they don’t burn; they don’t turn to dust. They glitter like a strobe light in a discotheque. The first time you see it, I swear you will say, “you gotta me shittin’ me.”
If that forehead slap of a plotpoint doesn’t turn your stomach, just wait, because the “romance” will. You cannot believe a couple can be this boring. You just can’t. KStew used this vehicle to perfect her go-to romantic vibes: a blank stare and an extended conversational pause. EZ Ed, OTOH, has lived hundreds
of years, but still hasn’t figured out how conversations work. Keep trying, Ed, you’ll get it one of these millennia!
Twlight effectively gave us Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, and Taylor Lautner which begs the question: can we give them back? Look, just take ‘em. No harm, no foul. If I’m being honest here, I do believe Robert Pattinson is decent actor. I believe Kristen Stewart while terrible in this film and its like has since become passable, almost -if not quite- watchable. [Don’t ask me to praise Taylor; if he’s wearing a shirt, he’s absolutely useless.] That said, Twilight is the epitome of the worst of this trio. I’ve never seen Pattinson worse. I’ve never seen Stewart worse (which is saying a bunch). I’d rather see Lautner revise his role as Sharkboy.
I’d go over some of the plot of this film here, but it’s useless. It doesn’t matter what happens for there’s barely half a film’s worth of plot here and most of it involves awkward conversation before some weird, inexplicable vamp war. From time-to-time, I have to be reminded that Anna Kendrick was in this film if only so I can cry a little on the inside.
The legacy of Twilight is undeniable. Hundreds of thousands of fans, four sequels, bad fan fiction, bad fan fiction made into grotesque film. Solidifications of Stewart and Pattinson as employable stars. And studio upon studio wondering if it can emulate a sexual chemistry with all the explosiveness of oil & water. It’s not just that this film is bad … it’s Trump bad, meaning first that I would automatically question the taste of anyone professing to be a fan, and next that it’s not only a disaster by itself, it has spurred all sorts of terrible things in its wake (like four sequels and the Fifty Shades franchise). OTOH, such gives me a glimmer of hope. Most of us agree now that Twilight was a piece of shit; we no longer try to deny it, nor do we make time for it. One day, too, we will all agree that Trump was the worst this country has ever seen and we will stop pretending there were any positive aspects to his personality or leadership. There aren’t; he’s the Twilight of politicians.
Sparkle and Blah and a dog named Jake all live in the town of Forks
They gawked and panted a mooned one another like a bunch of lovesick dorks
“Team Sparkle!” “Team Jake!” cried fans, raging with all their might
At the break of the dawn, all the rest of yawn: “So long as it’s not Team Twilight.”
Rated PG-13, 122 Minutes
Director: Catherine Hardwicke
Writer: Melissa Rosenberg
Genre: The one where you end up hating teens
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Sadly deluded people
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: People who know the difference between romance and this
