Greed. Greed is the pre-k child hoarding the collective school toy box like a dragon sitting on a pile of gold. Greed is a New England Patriots fan believing he’s owed a perfect season because the last perfect one was spoiled. Greed is everything that has motivated the Republican Party for the past forty years. I believe greed is the most puerile of the deadly sins and the one I most hope children grow out of … yet clearly they do not.
There is a downside of making the greatest film of all time. What? Romancing the Stone? HA! Don’t be silly. I say there is a downside of making the greatest film of all time … or any great film for that matter. I speak, of course, of Raiders of the Lost Ark. And that downside is that once great film becomes consumed to the masses, anyone can take anything from it. In the wake of Raiders, many films hit upon the idea of treasure hunting. What’s not to like? I mean other than it’s exactly the kind of get-rich-quick bullshit your mother warned you about. Even now, be honest, do you believe that somewhere in the world there is buried treasure and all you have to do is know where to dig? Welcome to the world of bad lessons we took from Raiders of the Lost Ark.
Today’s film is not actually a bad one … Romancing the Stone is silly, basic, and comes from a time when it was ok to characterize all of Colombia as a lawless tribute to drug-running, but it is also highly entertaining and fairly enjoyable so long as you can get past Joan Wilder’s naiveté and Jack Coltan’s me-first-ism. This is what happens when you preface silly fiction with even sillier fiction so that we the audience can pretend it’s normal when the heroine doesn’t understand what a jungle is.
Joan Wilder (Kathleen Turner, who for a brief period of time was as in demand as any woman on Earth) is a writer of eye-rolling, bodice-ripping romance. The intro gives us a brief glimpse into her world of exaggerated sweltering adventure when the perfect man saves the perfect woman perfectly from a cadre of perfect dunces. Then the film lets it be known that Joan is secretly writing about the man she hopes will come save her from her cat-lady fate. Meanwhile, in Colombia, Joan’s sister has managed to acquire and relay a real-life-no-foolin’ treasure map. When I first saw this film back in 1984, I had no recollection of considering how far-fetched that was … such is the greed of a teen. Now, of course, it’s all I can think about: how did a white woman on extended holiday stumble across a legitimate treasure map in a foreign country? No matter. There it is, MacGuffin motivation. What more do you need?
Oh yes, a hero. Enter Jack, who has the unfortunate demise of being Michael Douglas. Joan, now in Colombia chasing her sister, spots this demise almost immediately. Despite the fact that Jack saves her from Zolo (Manuel Ojeda), the standard face of xenophobic American nightmares for over a decade, she’s decidedly cool to him because he’s choosing to save her for the money. A parrot smuggler by trade (?!) -sure, who can deny the enticing lure of squak gold? “Oh yeah, I’ve been riding that Polly train to the dark side…” Jack is, of course, all of us: shrewd, hard-working, willing-to-get–his-hands-dirty, mildly-well-intentioned, living clean– HOLY SHIT! IS THAT A TREASURE MAP?! WHO ARE YOU, AGAIN?
Joan doesn’t like Jack’s reverence to dollar signs; Jack doesn’t like Joan’s inability to grasp reality. They’re both shitty caricatures of typical Americans, but only in that they’re pretty. Hence, we cannot wait for them to find the treasure, thwart the bad guys, and fall in love … not necessarily in that order.
Robert Zemeckis made this film in 1984. Zemeckis would release Back to the Future the very next year on his way to a career that would include Forrest Gump, The Polar Express, Cast Away, and even a few films Tom Hanks didn’t star in. At the time, however, the talking point on the Zemeckis résumé was Used Cars, a cult comedy starring Michael Douglas impersonator Kurt Russell. Not many at the time would have guessed this man would eventually own a directing Oscar … and fewer after this film was made.
That all said, Romancing the Stone is exactly why we go to the movies – it is an escape. The film is a classic adventure with heroes and villains and peril and Danny DeVito for no apparent reason. Yeah, it is a classic product of the 1980s – where do you guys find that “day at the spa” horn-loaded soundtrack that’s in all these 1980s films? And why is big hair the best way to demonstrate the heroine’s transformation into glamour? Romancing the Stone is also, undeniably, a fun film. I watched it by choice in 1984. I watched it by choice in 2020. I may watch it again by choice in 2056. We shall see. But don’t push me on Jewel of the Nile.
The 80s proved just what we need
Days of Reagan and shallow and greed
Have you seen what we’ve done
In our current run
Now those times seem altruistic, indeed
Rated PG, 106 Minutes
Director: Robert Zemeckis
Writer: Diane Thomas
Genre: Treasure hunting
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: The 1980s
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: South American strongmen
