Bigfoot is patient zero for the plague, huh? Well there’s a “hot take” as the kids might say. I don’t mean to poke holes in this fascinating theory, but, ummm, the whole Bigfoot M.O. is he’s pretty darn good at avoiding humans. That’s his thing. Michael Jordan is to basketball as Bigfoot is to seclusion. By my way of thinking, Bigfoot could be a carrier for each and every contagious deadly disease known to man and it wouldn’t matter because he sees humans about as often as Wilson plays volleyball. Look, fellas, if you’d just admit you couldn’t think of a good reason to slaughter Bigfoot, we’d all be better off.
As if you couldn’t guess, this is the story of The Man Who Killed Hitler and Then the Bigfoot, which is a great title if you don’t mind spoilers. The oddest thing about Calvin Barr (Aiden Turner as Hitler’s assassin, Sam Elliott as the iteration who offs Bigfoot) is that he never summoned the courage to pop the question to his sweetie. That’s one messed up statement in and of itself, right? Dude had nerves steely enough to penetrate Nazi Germany at the highest level, take out the villain responsible for millions of deaths and get away unharmed. Yet, he is still intimidated by the human female. It’s kinda sad.
Obviously, this tale is told in two parts; one where young Calvin leaves his meh life for the army where he’s recruited to kill Hitler. The background and details are sorely lacking here, btw. How does a brand spankin’ new SS officer just get off the train bound for Auschwitz and –literally- stroll on up to the Strudelhausen where Der Fuhrer hangs out by himself? I want a debriefing.
The bulk of the tale is “modern day,” because why would I wish to know more about the death of the man responsible for the worst war in human history? By all means, please tell me more about the nothing house and nothing diner where old man Calvin lives alone with sad memories. That sounds much more fascinating than penetrating enemy lines, deceiving a series of Nazi vanguards, thwarting dozens of protective safety measures, and single-handedly toppling the worst government ever to disgrace the planet Earth…no, by all means, tell me, does Calvin drink coffee? That sounds exciting. Eventually, old man Calvin has to be talked into the dispatch of Sasquatch, which would sound better if it rhymed. The scenes of Calvinball: The Most Dangerous Game are, finally, comical, but unintentionally so. I continue to be agape, positively agape, by how funny the film isn’t. Nobody has a laugh when you’re talking about hunting Bigfoot. Nobody?
The biggest problem with this film is tone. When you have a title this comic, you need a comic film to go with it. This isn’t a biography. It’s not only historically inaccurate, it’s mismatched; Hitler and Bigfoot belong to different eras and different realities; one existed, one doesn’t. i.e. the only for this film to work is to acknowledge the satire in the set-up. In a way, this film is as bad as those t-shirts depicting Jesus Christ riding a dinosaur. Except this is worse because those shirts know it’s a joke. You can’t honestly expect me to buy that one guy killed Hitler and Bigfoot for real, which means your tone has to be something other than Sam Elliott somber. Or the film has to be just plain better.
I hate to give bad films a bump
But this fantasy left me a grump
So, all else being equal
Fingers crossed for a sequel
The Man Who Took Out the Trump
Not Rated, 98 Minutes
Director: Robert D. Krzykowski
Writer: Robert D. Krzykowski
Genre: Films that are supposed to be funny
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: The Sam Elliott fan club
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: The Hitler/Bigfoot fan club
