For about 45 minutes, Desperados was among the worst films I’ve ever seen. And I know MST3K like Bill Belichick knows the AFC East. This film has a sit-com premise, a barely tolerable heroine, and an extended subplot involving a mistaken case of pedophilia. Desperados plays like a bad episode of “Friends” at a hyperlength of the usual runtime. If you’re asking: “Why did anyone greenlight this thing?” you are reading my mind, sister.
Wesley (Nasim Pedrad) … yes, “Wesley.” Look, this film has enough problems without me getting pedantic about the name of the heroine. Anyway, Wesley is a loser in the game of love, which is a shame cuz she has all the appeal of belly button lint. Taking advice from her enablers, Wesley picks a date with Sean (Lamorne Morris). The coffee shop meet lasts about thirty seconds, which is about thirty seconds more than it should have. Sean has a strong stomach. Frustrated, Wesley storms out of the bar, trips on a sidewalk aberration, and immediately clonks herself in the head. Enter Galahad. Sorry “Jared” (Robbie Amell).
I’m going to point out here the only reason I chose this film is Robbie Amell, whom I loved seeing partnered with Andy Allo in “Upload.” No part of Robbie’s career outside of “Upload” gives me reason to trust his acting judgment and this is a huge example.
Jared is the kind of guy 20th century women used to dream about: handsome, kind, white, and dull. There’s a reason Molly Ringwald chooses the major appliance over the Waterfowl-American. Wesley is smitten, and why shouldn’t she be? But then, she falls victim to the curse of the XY chromosome: lack of communication. After five days pass without Jared responding to her, she gets drunk and writes a hate email. Not a hate text, mind you, like most would do. She goes the email route, so a plot can happen. It’s not a good plot. It’s not even a good sitcom plot. And it goes something like this: at the very second her email is sent, she gets a call from Jared saying he’s just now waking from a coma in Mexico, and gosh, what did he miss?
Here’s the part that really pisses me off: You discover your would-be partner for life was in a coma, and your first, second, third, fourth … nth thoughts are, “I gotta destroy that email.” You aren’t concerned about how the love of your life is? Wesley goes to Mexico -where Jared is- all for the express purpose of breaking into his long-abandoned hotel room, thieving his computer, and deleting the email before Jared sees it. And I thought men were self-centered.
I won’t say the film redeems itself. It doesn’t in fact, it gets worse after Wesley breaks into the wrong room and exposes herself to a middle teen. Eventually, however, the film introduces Heather Graham and loops back to Sean, both of whom have better tales to tell than Wesley or her enablers. Hence, the second half of Desperados becomes … mildly watchable. That shouldn’t do it for you; it simply means Desperados isn’t the worst film of the year.
♪Desperados
Why advertise your offenses?
Ugly consequences
Will repel your date
Oh, you’re a moron
You mean those things are “reasons”
Good sense will be teasin’ you
Until it’s too late ♫
Rated TV-MA, 105 Minutes
Director: LP
Writer: Ellen Rapoport
Genre: Why are you watching this?
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: I’d say Nasim Pedrad’s mom, but she’s probably embarrassed on several levels
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Anyone who saw the preview and somehow wasn’t deterred
♪ Parody Inspired by “Desperado”
