Dumbo fans, I hate to drop this, but the circus sucks. And the circus sucked long before we collectively decided that tigers were entitled to a better lifestyle. Let me ask this: when you use the word “circus” to describe anything is it used in a positive way? When you say, “this is a circus” are you calling whatever it is something to be envied or something to be scorned? When you dismiss, “not my circus, not my monkeys” are you reflecting fondly on a situation? I put it to you that the circus has never actually been something good – like clowns, mimes, and Twilight movies, the circus has always been an elephantine pile of crap. You just didn’t want to admit it.
Speaking of circuses, here’s a film you won’t like. Oh, just like the circus, there’s colors and sounds and surprises…and just like the circus, it sucks.
Ian McKellan leads us off with “Welcome,” a number which is –on every level- exactly like the opening number of The Greatest Showman, except that it blows. Speaking of blows, this film includes two romance/weddings in the first ten minutes. Boy if I’ve said it once, I’d said it 5,000 times, little kids just loooooove romance. They can’t get enough of it. What is that? Ice cream? Cartoons? Toys? Get that shit outta here; I didn’t go to kindergarten for circle time. Show me a meet cute and some sexual tension already!
I gotta get straight to the good stuff, cuz the subplots don’t even work in this world. Basically, a child of the circus, Owen (voice of John Krasinki) works in a dog food factory tasting dog biscuits. Ok, now we’re getting somewhere. In a scuffle over circus ownership — seriously, people, there’s no money in circuses; why would you fight to own one? — the circus burns down. Owen takes over by default and shortly thereafter learns that a box of stale Animal Crackers –and these things have not once been mentioned in 30 minutes of film—turn people into animals. Ah, I guess we’ve entered The Cracker Peril.
From this moment on, all romance, business, and circus folly get tossed out the window. Everything beyond this point is about who owns the crackers, who wants the crackers and who has eaten the crackers. So, hey, at least we got a MacGuffin out of the extended intro. This allowed
the film to introduce some minor thugs, which turned out to be a blessing because swarthy motorcyclist/thief Mario Zucchini (Gilbert Gottfried) is probably the best part of the film. A classic flunkee, Zucchini has convinced himself – rather hilariously- that he is in charge which leads to several pointless arguments between he and Horatio P. Huntington (McKellan).
For all the fantastical premise, Animal Crackers falls flat. There isn’t anything inherently funny about your dad turning into a gerbil/moose/bear/narwhal other than your dad turning into a gerbil/moose/bear/narwhal. So sure, if you’re six and this sounds like a lark, that might make your day. If you are, however, at an age where an anthropomorphized aardvark just isn’t doin’ in for ya, Animal Crackers isn’t even the best film with said title. For me, this became one of those films in which I tried to guess voices. Lessee…I got John Krasinski, Ian McKellan, Danny DeVito, Patrick Warburton, Sylvester Stallone, Gilbert Gottfried, Wallace Shawn, now who is the wife …? Cameron Diaz….? No. Mila Kunis …? No. Oh, Emily Blunt! Yeah, I should have gotten that one. When picking out voices is the top entertainment in your three-ring circus, it’s time to fold up the tent.
The crackers are magical ply
For humans to become octopi
Maybe birds on a wing,
Frogs who can sing
Or lions, tigers and bears, oh my!
Rated TV-Y7, 105 Minutes
Director: Tony Bancroft, Scott Christian Sava, Jaime Maestro
Writer: Dean Lorey, Scott Christian Sava
Genre: Films to babysit your children
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Sub-six year olds
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Sub-six year olds with taste
