Bluebeard is an old wives tale ironically about wives who never got to be old. And the Bluebeard-ian intro paces the first fifteen minutes of Elizabeth Harvest, a documentary about cultivating your best Betsys. I’m kidding, of course, this is a horror film that I’d call an erotic horror film if I found it at all erotic.
Elizabeth (Abbey Lee) is the child bride of Henry (Ciarán Hinds). He has sequestered her to his remote mountain estate where luxury is hardly a luxury. Elizabeth looks like a model, which is a huge plus; unfortunately, she also has the acting skills of a model, which is a huge minus – especially in a thought piece. Ciarán is –I just looked this up—34 years older than Abbey, so given the wealth and the age difference, it’s a fair guess that he’s playing a well-to-do CEO. That guess would be wrong. But it’s a very good guess. Like Willy Wonka, Henry introduces Elizabeth to all the wonders of his opulent mini kingdom insisting that they are all for Elizabeth, but (also like Wonka) warns not to encroach upon the one forbidden room.
You know what would have improved this film? Oompa Loompas. Just a bunch of weird dudes who appear from the cracks to announce transgressions in song form.
Because here’s the thing – when you marry somebody and introduce a “forbidden” on day 2, well, that’s a dick move. More importantly, doncha have to state the penalty as well? And how in love can you be if the unknown penalty is “death?” One more thing … when you tell somebody you can partake of anything in the house/castle/Garden of Eden, aren’t you pretty much daring them to partake?
I think God secretly wanted to penalize Adam & Eve. In fact, I bet God couldn’t wait; probably would have drummed up some fake QAnon scandal if they’d played by all the rules.
Similarly, it takes about two scenes for Elizabeth to defy this God of hers. Whelp … I guess a penalty is a comin’ A yup. This is only the beginning of a larger
and more tedious mystery. So what was in the forbidden room? And what was the penalty? And how do the two servants (Carla Gugino and Matthew Beard) fit in? You’ll never know unless you care … and I’ve not given a whole lot of reason to care, because the movie didn’t give me a whole lot of reason to care. It did give a little; mostly Elizabeth Harvest plays like a poor man’s Ex Machina. There are certainly worse films for comparison.
Elizabeth Harvest only has one setting and four actors, which means the film is banking, banking, banking on either great performances or intrigue to carry the day. Intrigue gets a B-; acting gets a D. The major problem is that no matter what comes out of the mouth of our titular heroine, the only thing I hear is: “Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful.” I’d like to say that screen veteran Ciarán Hinds compensates for our leading lady, but he doesn’t. I was sold on the premise and I wanted to see Elizabeth solve her maximum security Rubik’s cubicle. However, I never got the impression even once that Elizabeth was trying to solve anything. I’m not sure there was a great movie within this screenplay, but there might have been a good one with a script rewrite and new casting director.
Poor Elizabeth has a hubby who’s exacting
She didn’t know the bargain she had been transacting
I’d feel more for the bride
Had her talents applied
Maybe next time, you can Harvest some acting
Rated R, 105 Minutes
Director: Sebastian Gutierrez
Writer: Sebastian Gutierrez
Genre: You only hurt the one you love
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Harvesters?
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Trophy wives
