The words “pretentious crap” come to mind. With every word, every shot, every expression, writer/director Charlie Kaufman seems to be screaming, “AREN’T I CLEVER? DON’T YOU THINK I’M CLEVER?” Look, Chuckles, I thought that years ago when I first saw Being John Malkovich. Now, however, I find you one part desperate and one part depressing for every part I find clever. Your latest film, for instance, feels like My Dinner with Andre set in a gulag.
“Young Woman” – see, what did I tell ya? Even the credits are pretentious. In the film, “Young Woman” goes by either “Louise” or “Lucy” (I never quite did get that one straight). Much of the screenplay lives in her mind. We hear her thoughts constantly, and she never runs out of them. Louisa (Jessie Buckley) has been dating Jake (Jesse Plemons) for about seven weeks, which feels like exactly how long this film takes to elapse. Hold up a sec – Jessie dating Jesse? I haven’t felt this spiritually connected since Tom Cruise and Penélope Cruz were and item. Long stretches of this film take place in a car driving in the snow with Jake at the wheel while the two converse.
Jake and Louisa are both overeducated and indulged. What do they talk about? Everything, so long as no single topic ever quite hits something genuine people might actually discuss, like, say, a critique of 1974 heavy A Woman Under the Influence, of which Louisa has a ready-made and professionally written set of observations for just in case anyone ever asks her about the film. Tell me, Louise, do you have any thoughts on The Unbearable Lightness of Being? How about The 400 Blows? I could really go for a good exposé on the subconscious existentialism within The Sorrow and the Pity. When you really think about it, that’s what the original Ghostbusters is missing – several scenes of film critique.
These two aren’t quite right for each other. We know it. The film knows it. Louisa punctuates many of her thoughts with “I’m Thinking of Ending Things.” At first, we don’t know if she is dissatisfied with Jake or suicidal. In the end, it’s probably both (“see, aren’t I clever with such a clever title?”); imo, people who live that much inside their heads are rarely happy. The plot is, essentially, the symbolic and concrete journey the couple takes to meet Jake’s parents, “Mother” and “Father” (clever!) played by Toni Collette and David Thewlis, both of whom resemble genuine people in several ways.
And then the film gets weird. I’d spoil it, but I don’t know how. The intellectualism turns into some sort alternate reality or historical misinterpretation or alien abduction or some shit. Who knows? 
Suddenly, you can’t even have a Sunday ham on the table without gasping, “WTF?!” If thought pieces do it for you, you will have the time of your goddamn life. If, however, plot and character development, and humor, and linear flow, and human conflict mean anything to you, I’m Thinking of Ending Things will make you think of ending things.
Every time I think about this film, my rating goes down half a star. Pray I don’t consider it more, Charlie Kaufman. Had I seen this film in a theater, I would have emerged angry and empty and bitter, and cheated, too, for I know the work of Charlie Kaufman and I know he’s very capable of entertaining as well as intellectually browbeating. There’s precious little entertainment in this experience. However, as a reflection on a terrible time to be alive, this endlessly depressing expression of futility almost perfectly reflects the frustration of anyone with a brain trying to make sense of 2020. And on that count, I have to respect the film, much as I neither enjoyed it, nor feel the need to recommend it.
There once was a girl named Louise
Who wanted a break from her squeeze
Lost in her mind
She’s left us behind
With both boyfriend and screenplay, oh geez
Rated R, 134 Minutes
Director: Charlie Kaufman
Writer: Charlie Kaufman
Genre: 90% symbolism and 10% embolism
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: People desperate to be watching another Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: People watching this eternity
