Yeah, yeah, I wish I were reviewing the Alfred Hitchcock version, too. It’s superior in almost any way a film can be superior to another film. Look, I’d much rather have seen the Hitchcock again instead of watching this exercise in gaslighting. This “updated” version has exactly two things going for it: 1) it’s in color, which will probably prove superior to any audience currently baffled by commercials and 2) the Alfred Hitchcock original was made in 1938, which means that the number of alive people who have seen it is likely decreasing, not increasing.
Wikipedia tells me we’re in Croatia, but this land was all called Yugoslavia during the time period suggested by the clothing. I was going to say the start of this film comes off as The Great Gatsby on vacay, but even the Gatsbys aren’t this frivolous; I’m quite sure the first draft of this film included at least five different characters shouting, “I’m going to play tennis on the veranda” while holding a glass of champagne.
Queen of the socialites is Iris Carr (Tuppence Middleton, who surely has siblings named “Quid” and “Farthing”). In her fashionable pantsuit and fetching bangs, Iris is currently modeling the 20s for us. Do a turn, Iris, let the folks see you. I was disappointed to realize Iris was our heroine as she spends the first 30 minutes of the film showing off a personality only a lover would support … and Iris has no lover. Given her flighty behavior, insistence that money can solve all problems, and browbeating of the locals, I would have called her an ugly American, but she’s not American, hah!
Iris has decided her Yugoslavian beach holiday needs to end so that she can stop having awkward conversations. After buying her way onto a crowded train, she sits alone on a bench in wait. Here, the direction turns amateurish, as it is apt to do in this production. One moment, Iris
is on the bench, next she is on the ground having been “hit on the head.” Why? And by whom? With what? Sadly, we will never know; that mystery goes unsolved. Drifting in and out of consciousness on the train, Iris “befriends” an English governess (Selina Cadell). The governess drags her to a meal Iris doesn’t want to eat, tells her things Iris doesn’t want to know, and yammers on when Iris doesn’t want to be awake.
You would think Iris would be happy when the governess disappears. I mean, geez, finally getting some shut-eye, huh?
Well you’d be wrong. And by “you,” I mean me. Iris’ first headache is gone, but she gets another straightaway when none in her trainpod will tell her where the governess went. In fact, the rest of the train essentially states that there is no governess; Iris must have made her up. Oh, hey, this is some Trump-level gaslighting going on here. And this is basically your film: a pretty woman at first on top of the world and then getting played by it.
The Lady Vanishes gets intense; I will not deny that. Newcomers to the story will find Iris’ dilemma very frustrating despite how much of a jerk she was in act one. I’m told this BBC iteration was much closer to the book. Well, whoop-de-doo. In other news, I used to be able to recite “The Walrus and the Carpenter” verbatim. This lady vanishing can’t hold a candlestick, revolver, or lead pipe to the one Alfred Hitchcock made vanish; will that matter if you haven’t see the original? Not at all. In that case, this is just a tense film with a so-so heroine that has some nice intrigue while mixing questionable direction with pacing problems. At the end of the day, I cared that the lady vanished, but I didn’t care why.
A train in need of a Sherlock
With a race against mystery’s clock
Abracadabra
How does this grab ya?
They have successfully shamed Hitchcock
Rated TV-PG, 90 Minutes
Director: Diarmuid Lawrence
Writer: Fiona Seres
Genre: ♪Paranoia self-destry-ah!♫
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: People who wonder dreamily what it might have been like to be gaslit while riding a train through the Austro-Hungarian Empire – and if you can tell me exactly what’s wrong with that assessment, good on ya, mate.
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Those who have seen the original
