Three weeks ago, I didn’t even know what The Babysitter was … and now I find out Netflix had it cloned? That’s some impressive confidence in a film your average viewer thought, “yeah, that was ok, I guess.” To be fair, I just watched The Babysitter for the first time and enjoyed it thoroughly. Thoroughly enough to see the same film again? I’m not sure. But there’s no question that The Babysitter: Killer Queen was intended to be the same exact experience on screen.
Two years ago, Cole (Judah Lewis) was hunted down by his babysitter’s book club. They didn’t mention that the book was The Necronomicon. This wallflower of a boy got up enough nerve to survive the night, and while the damage was extensive, the bodies were shy, so everybody thinks Cole made it up. The thing is when you drive a car into a house on purpose in order to thwart people who don’t exist, the fallout includes a lot of therapy and medication. So two years later, Cole isn’t a whole lot different than the sheltered neurotic high school nerd we saw in the last film.
This time around, Cole doesn’t have a babysitter, much less a killer queen, whatever that is. What he does have is a big fat fail in the GF department. Despite the hintimate at intimate in film #1, Melanie (Emily Alyn Lind) is Cole’s friend. Cole, are you even trying? Not only have you kissed, but Melanie is the only one who believes your Satanic cult narrative. *sigh* Say … what about the new girl, Phoebe (Jenna Ortega)? Oh. I see Phoebe is cool. Well, I guess that idea is out. In fact, what is Phoebe even doing in this picture?
So the action here all centers around a student getaway. I’m not sure why Cole attends; it’s not his scene and there’s no good reason to believe it will be. And, in fact, the film itself at this moment is pretty blah, so the writers made the reasonable leap of saying, “screw this plot; let’s remake The Babysitter.” You gotta love a set of sequel writers who liked the original so much they decided to resurrect all the dead people from it.
“Dudes, this film isn’t working.”
“You’re right; I’m just not feeling it with this cast.”
“You know what we need? The villains from the last one. Those were great characters.”
“Hey, you’re right! Make that happen!”
“What do you mean ‘Make that happen!’?”
“You know, write ‘em into this script.”
“Can we do that? They all died.”
“Died, schmied. Did the actors die?”
“No.”
“Then write ‘em in.”
And with that, The Babysitter: Killer Queen became exactly what it was last time: four self-satisfied chowderheads (albeit entertaining ones) chasing after one teenage milquetoast. Hmmm, chowder and toast. Must be
lunch time.
And just like last time, there is excitement and chases and fundeath, you know, the kind which is both comic and horrible but you’re rooting for it, so … not so much hate? Oh, and every death comes with splatter. Gotta have the splatter. It’s just no fun without blood.
Before this week, I never gave a second thought to McG, other than I didn’t know directors had the same need for stage names as actors. I suppose it doesn’t matter. But three –more-or-less- enjoyable films later, McG has proven to be an entertaining director. I don’t think McG is ever going to make Schindler’s List, but I can imagine the odd set of circumstances by which the guy makes the next Heathers. That probably won’t happen either. Still, I cannot deny that this dude fed me almost six hours of entertainment this week and though not a single moment moved me to tears, neither did my attention wander. Is it worth something? Enough to make another film, I suppose.
There once was a kid sad and meek
Whose future took a turn for the bleak
When a satanic cult
Adds death to insult
Hold up. We just did this last week.
Rated TV-MA, 101 Minutes
Director: McG
Writer: Dan Lagana and Brad Morris & Jimmy Warden and McG
Genre: Repeating history (Netflix-tory?)
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: People who enjoy gushing blood
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: If you didn’t like the original, this is the same film
