The formula ain’t great. I dunno who greenlit this pic or why, but they were sold on the idea of a “Scooby Doo” prequel less Scooby Doo’s two best characters, Shaggy and Scooby. And then they made it a live-action prequel. It’s like greenlighting a live action “Marge & Lisa” or live action Chris & Meg Griffin or, best yet, a live action “The Rubbles.” Nobody liked the live action Flintstones.
This isn’t the first time I’ve been wrong about a film; won’t be the last, either.
Daphne (Sarah Jeffery) is a teen on the cusp of being either a Fox News field reporter or a QAnon troll depending on which group succeeds in claiming her. She spends her free time supporting baseless idiocy constantly debunked by her online friend, Velma (Sarah Gilman). Daphne’s mindless-tripe-with-an-angel-face is insignificant; it mostly involve speculating about ghosts who turn out to be guys in sheets. Unlike Fox or QAnon, the love for guys in sheets has nothing to do with political hate groups.
To the shock of none but Velma –and that includes us- Daphne announces she is transferring to the school where Velma is –quite literally- ranked last. You guys, BFFs! Ah, but Velma isn’t digging this idea. Her friendlessness has methodessness. You see, the highest ranked kids in the school are turning into mindless zombies! Perhaps the inclusion of Daphne can yield a solution to this “crime.”
One note here: in the school’s public hallway, there is literally a big electronic scoreboard that ranks every student in real time. This is like the granddaddy of bad ideas. Never tell teens where they rank. Never rank teens. Maybe more mature cultures can get away with this, but we Americans are a fragile lot. Heck, we have a leader so fragile he’s constantly committing 
treason because of daddy issues. The request to “GROW UP!” isn’t going to get the job done on either the local or national level.
You could have phoned in this plot and the characters. It would have taken very little to do so. You throw in a little clumsy, a little “Jinkies!” a bad guy in a costume and “I would have gotten away with it, too, if it hadn’t been for those meddling kids!” which is not to say that Daphne & Velma doesn’t have ALL of these things. In some ways, this film is equal to the promised expectations of lame. OTOH, it had some great secondary characters; I did not expect this at all … like Daphne’s parent who are less “helicopter” and more “hovercraft.” –And it’s pretty cool seeing a film aimed at children being critical of helicopter parenting—but the coup-de-grâce, was the torture devices of the new age principal … the one who employs togetherness furniture and makes truant students wear “shame stickers.” Man, what I wouldn’t have given for a “shame sticker” punishment when I was a kid.
Daphne & Velma plays like a pilot and I will admit that when the film ended, I fully expected to see another “episode” which, of course, never materialized. And I found myself disappointed at that prospect. And that’s pretty much how I’d sum it up. No, this isn’t a great film, but I was honestly disappointed that there wasn’t more of it.
A prequel to the Scooby Doo show
With female focus, check it, bro
I may be a noob
But without Shag or Scoob
Isn’t this just one big “Ruh roh?”
Rated G, 72 Minutes
Director: Suzi Yoonessi
Writer: Kyle Mack & Caitlin Meares
Genre: Scooby Dooby Doo-less
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Geek girls
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: If you came to see a dog with a speech impediment, you’re gonna have a bad time
