Here’s what must have gone down: at some point in the past year, a semi-powerful movie producer looked at all the films aimed at children and said, “You know who I feel for? Anna from Frozen.” After getting quizzical stares, the producer probably continued on, “well, she’s always living in the shadow of her sister; she’s not queen and she has no special powers. It must be tough.” Oh, it must be. And, believe me, as a middle child, I can certainly empathize with those overshadowed by siblings.
ON THE OTHER HAND…Anna is royalty and a royal by birth at that, which means that without doing a single thing on her own, she has wealth, power, popularity, and a political voice. Again, these are things she has just by existing. Feeling sorry for Anna is the same as feeling sorry for Donald Trump Jr. Now, hey, I like Anna (what’s not to like?), but the comparison isn’t wrong. You have what you have because of your name and nothing else. Forgive me if I root a tad harder for, I dunno, Oliver Twist or Harry Potter.
The kingdom of Illyria –if I caught the map correctly- is quietly nestled in between Germany and the North Sea. It couldn’t look or feel less German if you paid it, so I googled the shooting location: Mississisagua.
The kingdom of Illyria is quietly nestled in between Toronto and Lake Ontario. It’s citizens seem well-to-do and Canadian, which is a pretty good thing, And yet there is a small-but-vocal two piece band on the streets every day singing “down with the monarchy!” The guitarist in this assembly is Sam (Peyton Elizabeth Lee), that is to say Princess Samantha, the younger sister of the queen-to-be. Conversations like this should be commonplace:
“Hey sis, whatcha doin’ today?”
“Getting ready for my coronation. You?”
“Oh, you know, the yuje … a little light treason in the public square.”
“Have fun!”
“You, too!”
Clearly, Sam has been dominated by an oppressive monarchy for too long! When are people going to notice her?! Don’t ask that question for too long, because you will get an answer. Being a second-born royal in this part of the world apparently means your DNA compensates by developing super powers. I’m not kidding. Say, if the firstborn dies, do you lose your super powers when you take the throne? That’s just one of many
mind-boggling and silly questions the film refuses to answer.
Sequestered for “summer school,” Sam is grouped with four other royal also-rans with super-human genetic traits to form their own breakfast club. But they’re royals, so it’s more of a bed & breakfast club. And they’re taught by that Pitch Perfect singing boyfriend guy (Skylar Astin) and Sam’s mom (Élodie Yung), who apparently takes time away from her royal schedule to supervise adolescent game shows.
Do you feel the scorn here? You should. This is a really bad premise. And the film plays out like the combination of Frozen, X-Men, and Harry Potter, without ever finding the good part of any of them.
Secret Society of Second Born Royals is another film that deserved a lower rating, but, hey, it was definitely better than Z-O-M-B-I-E-S … and it was innocuous. This film is intended to let younger sisters feel a little more special about themselves, which, quite honestly, isn’t a bad thing at all. It’s a harmless exploration of girlpower and some weird belief that you can have it all, including having royal genes and Superman genes at the same time. Sure, if you’re gonna dream, dream big. And as long as we’re there, I’d like a pony.
Sam is a princess and super and lookee
She’s also guitarist, con-woman, and, er, bookie
And this being Disney plus
I can but conclude thus
She almost certainly also part Wookie
Rated TV-PG, 99 Minutes
Director: Anna Mastro
Writer: Alex Litvak & Andrew Green
Genre: Frozen-ish
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Younger daughters
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Actual royals
