This “Live Action” experiment…is it not working? Let me rephrase that: This “Live Action” experiment … it is not working. I suppose I need to clarify: If the objective were to milk a cash cow until Bessie done run dry, Disney, congratulations, your plan is magnificent. Bay all means, let’s convert every single cartoon the studio has ever made into non-animated form. If, however, the objective is to create new art, convert more children, or enhance classic tales, this experiment is a failure. But hey, don’t take my word for it; check out imdb voters. Do keep in mind that as internet science is relatively new and so are the majority of its patrons, newer films tend to rate higher. Below is a chart of imdb ratings for Disney animated classics v. Disney “Live Action” remakes. Anybody notice a pattern?
There are only two in which the rating is even close: one is The Jungle Book (7.6 old v. 7.4 new); the other is Sleeping Beauty (7.2) v. Maleficent (7.0). And I’d argue that Sleeping Beauty and Maleficent aren’t the same film. It’s like re-telling Harry Potter from Draco Malfoy’s perspective. The chart itself reinforces what we all know: The originals are better than their copies … to a film; there’s not even an accidental winner among the group. This is the law of diminishing returns brought to full screen. Oh, there have been a few highlights among the rubble – I dug Will Smith as genie and appreciated that Beast got a lament to croon, but at best these films have been redundant, unnecessary and at worst they’ve grown tiresome. Speaking of which, now I get to talk about the “Live Action” version of Mulan, a film that not only made me yearn for the original; it also ripped off Spartacus in the process.
In the tiny village of MovieSet, China, the Emperor gets rumor of a Mongol horde and implements a conscription act requiring every family to send a son to the fray. Ex-warrior Hua Zhou only had daughters, so his tomboy, chi mistress, talented acrobat, and family black sheep Hua Mulan (Yifei Liu) sneaks off with daddy’s war stuff and … immediately gets lost. I really do question a screenplay that sets a hero on a journey and gets them lost before they’ve even done anything. Imagine if Frodo and Sam couldn’t figure out how to get out of The Shire.
At boot camp, Mulan has to figure out how to pass for a boy. I suppose it helps that a girl being a Camp Testosterone is unthinkable, but for those who live in a two gender world, it’s pretty obvious than Mulan ain’t a dude, dudes. Whatever. Oh, I forgot to mention; speaking of Maleficent, the Mongols have their own bit of progressive empowerment – the witch Xianniang (Li Gong) can trash armies by her lonesome and uses her nail claws to shatter the glass ceiling … but no Mongolian man gives her the speaking stick, either. At first chance, she and Mulan go head-to-head in battle upon what appears to be a giant naturally-forming crème brûlée. Man, I bet crew lunch on the set was good that day, huh?
I’m skipping ahead because this film really didn’t offer a whole lot other than tired clichés. For a possible feminist anthem in the era of Trump… for a possible statement about how silly the military’s “don’t ask/don’t tell” policy was, or as a possible plea to erase gender roles or promote trans soldiers, Mulan half-assed all of these objectives. There’s little feeling in this film for equality. Nowhere is this clearer than the pre-Spartacus scene where –in a single daring move- Mulan alone destroys the enemy, saves her battalion, and is rewarded with banishment for revealing in the process that she’s a she. I was kinda hoping Mulan would take a page from Maui and start singing:
♪What can I say except “You’re Welcome”
For saving your dumb asses in war
All I can say in just “You’re Welcome”
Not exactly sure what I did it for♫
So you see kids, this is the lesson: hide your true identity. Don’t stand out. Don’t be a hero. Unless you want trouble.
I know this particular film is supposed to teach kids that persevering and inclusion are the ways to go … but what do you really think your six–your-old daughter is gonna take from a moment where 
there girl saves everybody and is rewarded with “GO AWAY!” ?
There is one distinct benefit to Mulan Live! After watching this version, your impressionable children are extremely unlikely to pester you with their interpretations of the soundtrack. The reason? No songs … the film’s classic score has been buried beneath the earth. This Mulan felt no need to entertain us in this fashion. No music, no magical dragon, a Mulan with no sense of direction, a bunch of ingrates for coworkers, and the set-up of a cat fight instead of giving Mulan the benefit of the doubt. Ok, I’m exaggerating here; it wasn’t as bad as all that. But it wasn’t good, either. And the places where it wasn’t good really stick out. I take from this Mulan the fact that it ripped off Spartacus, a daring fight in which the villain deliberately commits an unforced error, and the fact that as tales of imperial China go, I probably enjoyed The Great Wall more. That is no place to be.
♪What is this film I see
Kind of like a parody
When will this direction show
Some thought went on inside?
Must I pretend that I’m
Enjoying this live action crime
When will retrospection show
Disney its backslide?♫
Rated PG-13, 115 Minutes
Director: Niki Caro
Writer: Rick Jaffa & Amanda Silver and Elizabeth Martin & Lauren Hynek
Genre: Bringing honor to studio … or in lieu of that, a big paycheck
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: People who have forgotten what good film looks like
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: The rest of us
♪ Parody Inspired by “Reflection”
