O Holy Night, it’s that magical time of year again … that time when desperate executive producers offer up their recycled tales of Yuletide fuckery in a vain effort to supplant Die Hard as our favorite Christmas film. Selling itself on the rare take of Christmas feminism, today’s effort, Noelle, was DOA the moment it hit Disney+. But hey, don’t let that stop you; it’s not every day you can flip to yet another forgettable Christmas film. Unless it’s December. If it’s December, you can find several every.single.day. You don’t even have to look.
There’s a fine line between condescending and adorable … and Christmas movies often approach that no-man’s-thread. Noelle tightropes it like JGL in The Walk. The opening is so embarrassingly man-centric in describing the patriarchal line of Santa that you might be turned off before the film even gets going. Luckily, Noelle quickly rights itself with the realization that the preferred North Pole interjection is: “Oh my garland!”
Basically, Santa –both jolly old elf and father- has two children, Nick Kringle (Bill Hader) and Noelle (Anna Kendrick). Nick is expected to be the next Santa; you know the pressure you’re under when you’re expected to go into the family business. Noelle, OTOH, is expected to make hot chocolate. I exaggerate; she’s not even expected to do that. The difference in responsibility between a person expected to deliver the correct present to every single person in the world on the nice list every December 25th and a person expected to use glitter glue on Christmas cards is, um, significant.
When Santa dies mid-summer, Nick is expected to get up to speed with the reindeer. But he’s not up for his expected duties and heads to Phoenix, an excellent place to spend the holidays. Can Noelle find her brother and save Christmas? Well, of course she can. When’s the last time you saw a Christmas movie with a downer ending?
Anna Kendrick is an excellent person to be in a Christmas film; she could look chipper in a gulag. Unfortunately, her unrelenting optimism combined with 
real world naiveté in this film –while fitting the script perfectly- reminds one of a female Will Ferrell from Elf. Being from the North Pole, she neither understands money nor seasonal malaise; she just knows –gosh darnit- that there are some good kids out there who deserve presents … so she’s gonna save Christmas if it kills her. She has the most adorable flying doe to keep both her and your children company. Like Elf; this film has a lot of “Naughty List” shenanigans and, apparently, the film world will never tire of conflating Santaland magic and semi-urban semi-strife. If your Christmas-centered children enjoy the magic of Christmas and a sleighful of puns, well, this film is the ribbon on a well-wrapped present.
A Christmas movie ought to make you feel good. Hence, as lame as this stupid Elf knockoff might get, it’s hard not to feel happy for the irrepressibly upbeat Anna Kendrick. And, yes, only a Grinch could be left frowning by the end no matter how flat and contrived the plot. Before I go tell it on the mountain, however, what the Hell is Shirley MacLaine doing in this film? No, seriously. I need that one explained. Didn’t you have a career once, Shirley? I believe in thwarting sexism and ageism, but there are limits, Kringle. Don’t push me.
A fresh Santa face,
With dimples so merry
She looked like “Action Santa”
Still packaged mint cherry
Her eyes all a twinkle
She’d be here a while
Grinning ear to ear
With a Pitch Perfect smile
She was perky and lithe
Like a nimble red fox
Hence had no excuse
For holding back the X-Box
Then back up through the chimney
She leaped like shot
Left me wondering blankly
“When did Santa get hot?”
Rated G, 100 Minutes
Director: Marc Lawrence
Writer: Marc Lawrence
Genre: Rewriting a legend
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Yulephiles
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Grinches
♪ Parody Inspired by “ ‘Twas The Night Before Christmas”
