Ah, teenage boys. Hey high school buds, remember all those wanking contests we used to have? Good times. To be serious for a second, there are several of life’s experiences I have missed out on to my chagrin, but the groupwank is just not one of them. I cannot tell what fascinates me most about this scene: It is the fact that there’s a contest? Or that the boys actually needed a Playboy to climax? Was it how they celebrated the moment by –and I’m not kidding here- tossing their freshly soiled undies at the wall to see if they’d stick (spoiler: yes, brief-ly)? Or was it the most subtle part of this whole adventure where our “hero,” Paolo (Noel Comia Jr.), has just been thunderstruck poolside by love which he felt for all of thirty seconds before he’s performing to the image of another female? Ah, teenage boys.
If you found all that a bit crass or a bit gross, you’re not alone … and I’m sorry you had to read it. But hey, I’m saving you from seeing it. Death of Nintendo is a meandering coming-of-age film which seemed in no hurry to come to much of anything, let alone age. A middle class tweenage boy, Paolo, begins the film by playing Nintendo and by the end, he’s worked his way up to Sega. (You should know this film takes place in the late 1980s/early 1990s) He and his friends like to hang out with props. Like when then go to a public basketball court to do anything other than play basketball. They’re nerdy kids and they get bullied a lot. Maybe if you actually developed some basketball skills, fellas. Just sayin’.
In some ways, this is a classic coming-of-age film … Paolo is in love with the wrong girl, Shiara (Elijah Alejo), while ignoring the girl-next-door, Mimaw (Kim Oquendo). And in other ways, this film is just an excuse to hear a panel discussion on sex by middle school boys. Except the latter would play better than Death of Nintendo. At least there would be 
a forum for the inexcusable idiocy. When the plot isn’t centered around Paolo’s love life, he and his friends want to get circumcised, cuz, you know, it looks bigger.
In the obscenely Catholic country of the Philippines, circumcision ain’t exactly commonplace, so when these kids dream of bigger-looking dicks, they’re actually dreaming about a medical procedure administered by –and I’m not kidding here- a tent hobo with a straight razor. Coincidentally, this is exactly what health care will look like if America continues to vote for Republicans.
I’m all for coming-of-age films and adolescent sex talk, but this attempt at Y Tu Mamá También missed the foreskin. I don’t know how you manage to make this dialogue flat and these characters boring, but Death of Nintendo pulled off the feat with relative ease. Hope it was worth it, boys.
Three boys hangin’ in the Philippines
Have the usual dreams among teens
I’m sure they hope stardom
Yet, the result is far from
For their dicks got all the choice scenes
Not Rated (but, c’mon, circle jerking), 99 Minutes
Director: Raya Martin
Writer: Valerie Castillo Martinez
Genre: The one where newly pubescent boys talk about their willies. I’m sorry, this is the Phillipines, right? Their guillermositos
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Boys who crave circumcision
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Boys who crave circumcision
