Keep in mind, NONE of the tragic events in this film happen until that giant doofus decides to “come clean.” No murders, no explosions, no car crashes, no knifings, no wife-beatings, no plague, no apocalypse. Oops, I’m getting ahead of myself. The important part here is that one big idiot, aka the “In-and-Out Bandit” (for why? Because of his taste in burgers? Pretty much every successful catburglar is an in-and-out bandit. ), aka Oscar Schindler, aka “The dude in Ted 2 who buys Trix,” has gotten away with $9M, but now he wants to come clean … for love. Awwwwwww. Moron.
Ex-marine and munitions expert Tom Dolan (Liam Neeson) is the Sticky Bandit. Wait. That’s another film. In this one, Tom is an “ex” thief in Boston who falls in love with the woman who rents out a storage unit where Tom keeps all the stolen cash. I guess that thing is going to pay for itself, huh? Wait’ll somebody, anybody, realizes that people might keep valuables in storage units. Of course this is fiction. I could believe that a guy could commit $9M in robberies over a series of years and never leave a clue for the FBI, what I can’t believe is that he’d store genuine cash money right next door to the worthless possessions of Frances McDormand in Nomadland.
OK, so he’s a marine and single and somehow a reasonable catch at age … 70? How old is Liam, anyway? And when Annie (Kate Walsh) becomes a fixture and marriage opportunity, Tom decides it’s time to fess up, own his sins, and clear his conscience. And the FBI doesn’t believe him. Look, Tom, at this point, you won. You can’t even get arrested voluntarily. You say, “Screw it. I tried, losers. Enjoy never catching me.” And leave it at that. He only stole from banks and that money is insured, so even if he “gives it all back,” it just gets destroyed. What’s the point?
This, of course, isn’t how movies work.
How movies work is the part where dedicated FBI agents decide whatever oath they took ain’t worth squat when there are Sox season tickets on the line. Sure, why not steal Tom’s millions? He doesn’t want ‘em. What could go wrong?There are only a few witnesses, and taped surveillance footage, and probably an investigation log that has to be filled out, but other than that and -maybe-a dead agent or two, what could possibly go wrong?
The rest of the plot is boilerplate Neeson. He’s alone. People want to get him. Despite the fact that the guy is built like Frankenstein and hanging out in front of city cameras constantly, nobody knows how t
o find or defeat him. At this point, I think I could write a Liam Neeson script while filling out a grocery list.
My favorite part of this particular endeavor is the moment where Liam flees a perfectly able FBI agent on foot in open ground and *poof* disappears. Sure, you could convince me that at age 82 or whatever, Liam Neeson still has the ability to bust heads, but the man currently has the gait of a gimpy walrus. There are kitchen appliances who can outrun Liam Neeson. Jeffrey Donovan looking up with that puzzled “Where did he go?” face is quality acting. Say, Jeff, did you try rotating your head -or the camera – ten degrees to the left. Pretty sure, he’s not out of your potential eyeline; heck, I bet you can still smell him. What do you suppose Liam smells like? My guess is Irish Spring and angst.
I’ve seen a lot of Liam Neeson films. I’ve seen better; I’ve seen worse. Haven’t seen innovative in a while…but I’m not sure Liam comes in “innovative;” we’re all still rooting for the guy with the “particular set of skills.” If that does it for you, Honest Thief will be a welcome addition to your life. If –on the other hand- you care about things like plot and logic and art and consequence, Honest Thief is honest thievery. It’s not a terrible film by any stretch, but one I can neither watch again nor recommend.
A thief with past crimes on a shelf
Confesses like some self-righteous elf
Here’s the message, dear
If you got away clear
Just keep it all to yourself
Rated PG-13, 99 Minutes
Director: Mark Williams
Writer: Steve Allrich and Mark Williams
Genre: A Liam Tale
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Old men who identify with Liam Neeson
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: The rest of us
