At some point you have to ask yourself how much you enjoy a PG-13 shower scene. Does that do it for ya? A bare shoulder? Maybe an entire back (above the waistline)? A mildly forbidden tattoo? If that floats your boat, sail on. For me, the boat immediately washes down the shower drain and gets eaten by the evil clown in It. Not a whole lot of movies deliver multiple PG-13 shower scenes. I can’t help thinking that this film is for the perv in training.
Speaking of pervs, The New Mutants finally made its way to homes this month and we’re all wondering why it bothered. The characters are forgettable, the action is weak, and the weird plot dynamic makes me believe someone thought, “What if we took The Breakfast Club and changed anything endearing into mild horror?” The film even made me loathe Anya Taylor-Joy, whom I’d just adored in “The Queen’s Gambit.” Well done, movie. You erased seven hours of good will in seven seconds.
Dani Moonstar (Blu Hunt – a tool you use to find your BluRays) is a Native American girl who watches her dad get eaten by a myth. Being the sole survivor from her reservation, she is swept up and locked in something resembling a 1960s mental ward that has but one employee, Dr. Reyes (Alice Braga).
As it turns out, there are four other teens in this facility, all of whom have special powers and all of whom have PTSD in connection with their powers. All of them are more powerful than Dr. Reyes and yet somehow let the power dynamic charade continue indefinitely. It takes a while for the film to show us what special talents these kids have … which is pretty lame considering that’s all some of us are here for. In the mean time, you’ve got five headstrong teens of varying degrees of belligerence and sociopathy all in one ridiculously spacious institution run by an overofficious tool. Personally I kept wondering if 
one of the kids was going to point out that Dr. Reyes raids Barry Manilow’s wardrobe.
Oh, but that might have been clever, and –trust me- there’s exactly nothing clever in this film. The New Mutants is a frustrating film to watch, as evidenced even in “fun” scenes like when the five get together for a hot round of “Truth or … Truth.” [I’m not sure y’all understand this game.] Basically, film, you gave us a bunch of teens, but you don’t seem to want us to like them; you gave them a bunch of powers, but the kids are reluctant to use them, and you have a bunch of potential smiles in defying needless authority, but instead you chose to make a horror film. Ummmm, how shall I put this? What wrong with you people?!
Save for a small handful of bonding moments, The Breakfast Club 2.0 is pretty and and gets stupider as it progresses. It doesn’t make a whole lot of sense and it sure didn’t make for a whole lot of fun. But it did have multiple PG-13 shower scenes, which –ironically- now makes me feel unclean.
The New Mutants got themselves in a stew
Cooped up with not much there to do
The lone warden, a schlub
Is this Breakfast Club?
Sorry, but I’m gonna forget about you
Rated PG-13, 94 Minutes
Director: Josh Boone
Writer: Josh Boone, Knate Lee
Genre: Are we this desperate to tell yet another super power story?
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Maybe if you’re in love with one of the cast
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Have you seen X-Men … or pretty much any X-Men sequel? They’re all better
