I don’t have much need for benevolent ghosts on film. And I’m baffled as to what they think they’re doing in a screenplay. “Say, violently murdered grandma, doncha want to exact some revenge, steal a soul, wreak some havoc, possess a small child…?” “Oh, no. Don’t worry about me; I’m just content to sit in the corner and watch you nice folks grow old…” Fantastic, a Midwestern ghost. That’s exactly what I need.
George Claire (James Norton) is the new professor of English/Art/History/Philandering at whatever they decided to name some upstate college. It takes him all of five seconds to start getting arty-farty with the department head, F. Murray Abraham – who I think is still reeling from that linguistic battle he had with the kid from Finding Forrester. But oops! George forgot to tell his wife he already committed to this gig. George has a habit of forgetting to tell people stuff, like forgetting to tell his new employer that he doesn’t have the credentials for the job and forgetting to tell the hot co-ed that he’s married … with a child, no less.
Get a load of George hitting on women while his daughter is playing six feet away from him. Honestly, I cannot tell if this is a Grade A baller move or terrible direction or both.
Meanwhile, Catherine (Amanda Seyfried) is having her own problems. Unfortunately, most of them have to do with general dissatisfaction, specific dissatisfaction, and bulimia, none of which look good on film. I sure as Hell hope the Elizabeth Brundage novel was more compelling. The move upstate took her away from an art restoration job. Gee, in COVID times, maybe you can restore by Zoom. And then, the ghosts appear. You see, I do declare
the 2D Claires bought a rural house with a history of unseemly actions. So really boring ghosts have come to haunt the place. It’s enough to scare a seven-year-old. Maybe.
As the film goes on, it’s quite Claire that they were all ghosts of red herrings; the conflict comes from within, not without. Heck, I could have told you that in the opening when George makes a major decision without consulting Catherine. Red herring? No. Red flag? Oh yes.
Some books translate, others do not. You can tell Things Seen & Heard is an adapted screenplay. How? It just isn’t quite as hard-hitting as it could be. That can be good and bad; we don’t really want Catherine to be playing pillow tag with the hunk-next-door … but, OTOH, this film hasn’t given her much to do, and she’s the main character. That’s really not a good sign. The title is fairly stupid; it implies the spectral will be plot rather than afterthought. Then again, the film is based on the novel All Things Cease to Appear which sounds like an NPR show. I didn’t dislike this film, per se, but there’s really not much here to like. Considering this is Seyfried’s first film since her Oscar nomination, Things Seen & Heard is a disappointment; film it under Things Easily Ignored.
A couple’s new life seems most daunting
But their poltergeists aren’t so good at taunting
Hey Casper … not that I care
But if you can’t find a scare
Make this film into a sitcom about haunting
Rated TV-MA, 121 Minutes
Director: Shari Springer Berman & Robert Pulcini
Writer: Shari Springer Berman & Robert Pulcini
Genre: Poltergeist … ?
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: People who make out to The Talented Mr. Ripley, maybe?
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: True horror fans
