Welcome to the section of Ireland where nobody makes decisions…or when they do, it’s only to make a point; it’s not a real decision. Wild Mountain Thyme is such a grand show of waffling, they could open a Roscoe’s right in the middle of Act II without missing a beat. I don’t know whether to praise it or condemn it, but seeing the 50 Shades of sex dungeon guy pitifully wander around the screen like he’s lost his favorite plaid sheep is a little much to take.
The Muldoons and the Reillys own neighboring farms. Nobody in either family knows how big their farm is; that’s not important. What is important is stiffing the folks you love, like when Reilly patriarch Tony (Christopher Walken) announces he’s not giving the farm to his son Anthony (Jamie Dornan), but instead to his estranged American nephew (Jon Hamm).
Meanwhile, the Muldoon farm is also one failing heartbeat away from being the sole property of Rosemary (Emily Blunt). Rosemary has loved Anthony since they were children, but even she has to be a little frustrated with a man who seems
not the least inclined towards human relationships. I would call Anthony the “a-sexual Irish Hamlet,” but he was caught proposing to a donkey. I suppose that’s one way to get a great ass.
Can these two single, would-be landowners find a way to make it work with only nobody around and ninety minutes of film time to play with? Is this relationship cute enough to wait ninety minutes for? No. Well … not really…although I concede that Act III was far better than Acts I and II. The title of the film comes from the lyrics of “Will Ye Go Lassie Go,” a traditional Irish ballad about longing and grammar. It is sung several times in the film lest ye forget lassie forget that the film lassie film is also part drama lassie drama. The point to all of this is both characters know exactly what they want, but Wild and Mountain and Thyme has restricted their array of expressions, leaving everyone frustrated including both players and audience.
The conclusion of Wild Mountain Thyme is apparent within the first five minutes of screening, which means we wait roughly an hour-and-a-half to get to the moment we saw coming before the opening credits had concluded. One would hope Wild Mountain Thyme is, thus, a wild mountain time to compensate. It is not. That being said, Wild Mountain Thyme is kinda, sorta, almost, not really good enough to get to the inevitable conclusion.
Anthony was a one-man farming staff
Who tended sheep, goats, and even a calf
But his attention to land
Left his future unplanned
Else we’d wrap in a minute-and-a-half
Rated PG-13, 102 Minutes
Director: John Patrick Shanley
Writers: John Patrick Shanley
Genre: Get on with it!
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Are you Irish? Have you been waiting more than a decade to make your move?
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: The impatient
