Since when did fashion designer mogul become the epitome of “bad boss?” I’m not just imagining this; if you make a chart of worst bosses in cinematic history, you’re probably going to include Meryl Streep in The Devil Wears Prada, Steve Coogan in Greed, and now Emma Thompson in Cruella – the prequel inspiration for one of Disney’s most notable villains: Cruella de Vil.
Even li’l Cruella (nee: “Estella”) had yin/yang hair. That’s a nice touch, although, weird, right? Not from a genetic POV, of course. Genetics tells us it’s darn near impossible; from a plotting POV, you would think that two-tone shampoo commercial hair would be a choice, not a natural trait, of someone who would find her calling designing fashion. I suppose we just chalk it up to “it’s in her blood.” This being a Disney film, Estella becomes an orphan 15 minutes in and immediately has to take her bi-chromatic hair and rebellious act to London. Luckily, the film isn’t as Cruella as the title suggests; she immediately finds kindred spirits among two orphan boys who will grow up to be her lackeys one day.
Awww, isn’t it just so sweet when there’s a symbiotic relationship between a crime boss and her stooges?
So when do we get to the bony spectress who can’t wait to carve up Dalmatians for fun, huh? Well, just wait. In fact, that’s a really good idea with Cruella. Wait. Be patient. Admittedly, when I first heard Cruella was scheduled for a Memorial Day release, I thought, “dammit, Disney’s done it again!” With the pandemic ebbing and theaters opening up, Cruella is gonna make bank consistently until Labor Day.
After seeing Cruella, however, my thoughts are “What the Hell is Disney thinking?” Fashion, murder, 134 minute runtime? Who does Disney think is their audience? Name me one child who gets off on topics like: “oh no! There’s gaffe on the model runway!” and “The shit you have to put up with to hold down a job.”
And yet, here we are, finding big city Estella/Cruella (Emma Stone) butting heads and fashion templates with her new boss and chief rival, The Baroness (Thompson). I liked both women, but Thompson –coming off a fantastic role in Late Night– is the superior, turning in another gem as the one woman who can make us sympathetic to Cruella de Vil. At times, the film devolved to what amounted to not much more than a pissing contest between The Baroness and Estella’s alter ego, Cruella. How much tolerance have you for Hell’s Couture?
Don’t get me wrong; I liked Cruella. Really. It’s just between Cruella being a designer (The Devil Wears) Prada knockoff and its complete inability to understand its audience, I don’t have a whole lot of wiggle room to love the film. Yeah, I think it’s cool when fashion designers upstage one another. Will you? Will your children? For over two hours? Cruella strikes me as the most inappropriate Disney since The Hunchback of Notre Dame. I liked Hunchback, too … but your kids didn’t. They want to see Queen Elsa make an ice castle, not the political fallout of mixing church and state; I fear this is how Cruella will be seen in the Disney world.
Speaking of inappropriate Disney topics, I notice here we’ve made another apologetic love letter to a classic Disney villain. Between Cruella and Maleficent, Disney is building a phalanx of villain re-visitation stories. With that in mind, I’ve outlined a few future Disney films. You needn’t thank me, D, just give me writing credits.
My Ursula Teacher – Orphaned as a youth, the future sea octo-queen befriends the human who visits her every day. Every.single.day. Mistaking his scientific bent for genuine affection, Ursula is devastated when the human seems uninterested in defending her or warding off predators. Henceforth, she curses all humans and vows to defeat and humiliate them whenever possible.
Jafar Ibn-Poter and the Heathen’s Trinket – Abandoned on the streets of Baghdadgraba, li’l orphan Jafar discovers a talent for magic. He is eventually found and nurtured by the head of Pilafwarts, Dean Djinn. Can the Dean resolve Jafar’s natural spite and steer him away from the school house of Cobras?
Scar! — In this prequel to The Lion King, Scar is somehow also an orphan despite having a brother Mufasa and several sisters. Watch the kindness in his heart sour as selfish Mufasa takes all the glory. Sing along with fabulous numbers: “Hyena, Bye-ena,” “This Ain’t Wakanda,” and “Can You Feel the Pain Tonight?”
That’s all I got for now. Cruella: It’s a decent film, but I can’t say your kids are gonna love it. Knowing Disney, that won’t even matter.
There once was a villain named Cruella
With a sympathetic past, my good fella
Disney rewrites their shame
It’s just one big game
Who’s next? The sisters from Cinderella?
Rated PG-13, 134 Minutes
Director: Craig Gillespie
Writer: Dana Fox and Tony McNamara
Genre: The de Vil Wears Prada
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Fashionistas
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: The standard Disney audience
