I’m beginning to suspect Godzilla films are not based in genuine science. I mean, they seemed slightly far-fetched before, what with there being a semi-intelligent skyscraper-sized atomic lizard defender of Earth, but now I suspect they’ve gone from “absurd exaggeration” to “just making shit up.” I suppose I could be wrong. I mean it’s possible that this Godzilla is such an insecure apex predator that it feels threatened by even the slightest amount of competition and will literally travel multiple oceans just to destroy either a man-made homage or a primitive battleship-sized gorilla.
This film pissed me off in the opening credits. How? Well it turns out that despite the movie actively rooting for Kong, this seems more a Godzilla film. Why does this matter? Well, the last Godzilla film starred Kyle Chandler, Vera Farmiga, and Millie Bobby Brown; the last Kong film starred Tom Hiddleston, Brie Larson, and Samuel L. Jackson. I don’t know a film buff alive who would rather see the former set than the latter trio. Even Millie’s own parents are probably sayin’, “we love you, hon, but it’s Samuel L. Jackson, c’mon!” Warning you now, exactly none of the Skull Island crew show up here.
And –despite this being a Godzilla film- Godzilla is the villain cuz he’s got his lizard panties in a bunch about being the planet’s apex predator. Speaking of “Apex,” Godzilla travels several thousand miles just go to town on Apex industries in Pensacola, cuz Godzilla knows somethin’ ain’t exactly Godzooky there, knowwhatI’msayin’? No. I don’t either. All I know is in the wake of a ‘zilla storm, randos play Don King with Kong on Skull Island to set up “Horrific in the Pacific.” Luckily, insane Apex mock-scientist Bernie Hayes (Brian Tyree Henry) is 
hot on the trail of the Godzilla truth. I’m not one to tell you your business. –screw that, of course I am—isn’t it just a tad irresponsible to make a hero out of a Florida conspiracy-theorist crackpot? I mean, that is almost the exact cursory description for the villains of January 6 and yet by March, Hollywood is all ready to forgive, forget, and even praise one.
Don’t worry, there’s no shortage of insanity in this film, like the miniature Kong whisperer (Kaylee Hottle), an eleven-year-old who has taught King Kong sign language. Sure, that happens. And after the rumble, Bernie and two teens (Millie Bobby Brown and Julian Dennison) get caught in an underground supertransport that gets them from Pensacola straight to the Apex monster training facility in Hong Kong.
What?!
Meanwhile, in Middle Earth, Kong is taking the One Ring to Mt. Doom. Just kidding, the reality is even stupider. I’m not making this next part up: Kong has been transported to the center of the planet past the plane where “gravity inverts itself” (don’t ask) and where the sun is shining … how? Why? … in order to find a secret
cave where lies his ape throne and a +3 giant axe tool powered by Middle Earth magic. Who forged this miraculous, enormous, Godzilla-defeating weapon? Who knows? Fair guess is that these primates are both tool users and tool makers. All of that, I swear to Godzilla, is in the movie.
You know that Nike commercial where Godzilla plays basketball against Charles Barkley? There is more reality in that thirty seconds than in the entirety of Godzilla vs. Kong.
The one great thing Godzilla vs. Kong has going for it is pacing. The film plays like a week in the life of Trump; there simply isn’t time to breakdown “What’s wrong
with this picture?” cuz by the time you get to the chalkboard, the film has already moved on to its next egregious violation of scientific understanding. This is the key to Godzilla vs. Kong, for me. Try not to think about it, just understand that Godzilla and King Kong are both lovable instruments of chaos and mass destruction and their natural instincts to clean house with major cities will probably end up in destruction that makes 9/11 look like a toddler with a sand castle. Can you live with that? Great.
Two titans face off for the camera
Building on decades of stamina
I don’t wish to complain
‘Bout this repeated refrain …
I’m getting tired of not seeing Gamera
Rated PG-13, 113 Minutes
Director: Adam Wingard
Writer: Eric Pearson and Max Borenstein
Genre: The world of big stupid monsters
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Check your brain in at the door
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Scientists
