The Hitman’s Wife’s Bodyguard is such a classic “once too often to the well” film that I wish there’d been a decent sequel in-between an amusing original and the substandard reiteration. Banking on the reputations of Ryan Reynolds and Samuel L. Jackson alone, the film asked us to enjoy them in consistently compromising capacities. Throughout the film, Jackson comes off as an ingrate and Reynolds comes off as a whiny little bitch. To spice it up, the script added Salma Hayek to come in and yell a lot. If I didn’t love all three of these people already, I’m quite certain I would have loathed The Hitman’s Wife’s Bodyguard.
We last left bodyguard Michael Bryce (Reynolds) and hitman Darius Kincaid (Jackson) in The Hague, where each took turns making the Netherlands a little less habitable. At the beginning of The Hitman’s Bodyguard, I was aware that the two men did not like one another, but –in standard movie convention- I thought they had reached a mutual respect by the end of it. Apparently, my memory is very faulty, for Bryce has recurring nightmares about the actions of Darius Kincaid while Kincaid asked to be rescued by “anybody other than Michael Bryce.” The latter was misinterpreted by Kincaid’s wife Sonia (Hayek), who goes to a lethal amount of trouble to bring Bryce to Kincaid … where he’s not needed.
Is this an actual plot? That we make these guys hate one another again … except for some reason, Bryce is no longer a functioning professional bodyguard, but an insecure girlyman? And, before I go on, I apologize to all the girlymen out there … you live your truth, fellas, er, ladies, er, both.
Hmmm, back to what qualifies for plot: pissed off Greek nationalist Aristotle Papdopolous (Agamemnon Banderopoles, er, that’s Antonio Banderas – hey, worked for Anthony Quinn) has the tools and desire to cripple the power grids
of the entirety of Europe … and now the only ones that can stop him from doing so are Bryce and the Kincaids (my fav 60s folk group).
This is a silly film. It knows it’s a silly film. It’s the kind of film that introduces an intense car chase as a dream sequence because Michael Bryce has already fallen asleep at the wheel. The question is how much of the humor will you enjoy/tolerate before you realize the film has inadvertently made a mockery of all of its players. I came away from The Hitman’s Wife’s Bodyguard thinking I like everybody in it a little less than I did going in. That is the exact opposite of sound production strategy.
If you enjoy Salma Hayek screaming, or have no problem with Antonio Banderas playing Greek, or the general emasculation of Ryan Reynolds, this could be a film for you. Oh, here’s a good test: would you find it amusing for Morgan Freeman to play the father of Ryan Reynolds? If that by itself seems inherently humorous, well, this might indeed be the film for you. For the rest of us, I feel like the film took some very enjoyable people and made them do things that make us not enjoy them nearly as much. The people are still enjoyable enough to get something out of the film, but a good time was not had by all. Seems like a huge waste of talent and apostrophes.
There once was a bodyguard named Bryce
Who fell apart when he was stripped of his lice-
nse which he tries to regain
Through a great deal of pain
When what he needs is some expert advice
Rated R, 100 Minutes
Director: Patrick Hughes
Writer: Tom O’Connor, Brandon Murphy and Phillip Murphy
Genre: Shtick
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: People who need to see Ryan Reynolds, Samuel L. Jackson, and Salma Hayek as caricatures
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: People who do not
