Dammit. I hate it when the first one is good. You have no idea how much Disney is encouraged by this reckless behavior. Before you know it, we’ll have seven increasingly stupid Jungle Cruise sequels [ex. Cruise Two Cruise Curious] and even more films based on Disney theme park rides. Gosh, I can’t wait for Matterhorn, Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride, and It’s a Small World After All starring Danny DeVito and Peter Dinklage. Gee, Space Mountain was my favorite Disney attraction; when is that going to be a motion picture?
Integrity doesn’t matter to Disney, of course, which is how we got to Jungle Cruise the movie in the first place. It burns that I found it fun, but I cannot deny that I did find it fun. A lot of fun.
Wearing a ridiculous skipper hat to hide that fact that people weren’t bald in 1916, Frank Wolff (Dwayne Johnson) charters tourist cruises on the Amazon River; he –quite deliberately- comes across as a cheap hustler. This would be an ugly look for most human beings, but Frank is built like a pro wrestler, owns a pet jaguar, and tells the most endearing terrible jokes on record — like the one where he has to give up on his cross-eyed girlfriend because she was “seeing another man on the side.”
Ah, but the plot isn’t really about Frank, it’s about Lily Houghton (Emily Blunt), an Upper Class English Karen who cannot imagine a world in which she doesn’t get her way. Thanks to her willingness to brave danger and break laws, Lily’s Karen-ness comes off as endearing rather than annoying. In the opening, she sets up her brother to distract an entire London historical society while Lily sneaks behind the scenes to steal an artifact … it’s the very same artifact sought by German Prince Joachim (Jesse Plemons – cashing in his recent bump in acting status). In case you don’t know actual history, England and Germany were at war in 1916, making the Prince and Lily natural enemies … and in case you didn’t know fake history, the artifact is a marker
leading to a tree with magical healing powers hidden somewhere in the Amazon and, hence, of great value to both nations.
I think you can see where these storylines come together.
It would be hard to take Jungle Cruise seriously on any level. I mean, the very idea of a U-boat in the Amazon River in 1916 is quite laughable. But that doesn’t really matter, now does it? What the film offers is Dwayne Johnson and Emily Blunt swinging on jungle vines while at odds with one another. And on that score, this film is a riot.
Jungle Cruise is a popcorn film and will never aspire to be anything greater than that. This is fine. It works well purely as a piece of entertainment. Right now, Dwayne Johnson is damn near impossible to dislike, and Emily Blunt is his equal in this parade of eye candy. Honestly? I’d rate the film higher, but I don’t want to give Disney the benefit of the doubt; Jungle Cruise was going to do fine on its own even if it sucked, which it definitely does not.
Disney World has an enrichment plot
Making films out of whatever they got
I’ve spied secret guides
When they run out of rides
They’ll make a movie about the parking lot
Rated PG-13, 127 Minutes
Director: Jaume Collet-Serra
Writer: Michael Green, Glenn Ficarra, John Requa
Genre: Printing DisneyCash
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Fans of The Rock
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Fans of The Amazon
