Today, I feel sorry for Goro. Who is Goror? Why, Goro is a super-buff alternate dimension four-armed bruiser assassin who prefers tearing his opponents apart to using any weapon. Pretty noble of him, if you ask me; it gives the victim -quite literally- a fighting chance. And Goro dies about three minutes after he’s introduced (I say “he” for convenience sake; now idea how Goro identifies or if gender is even a thing on Goro dimension). Goro loses to an opponent who –in a film called Mortal Kombat—hadn’t yet won a single fight and wasn’t winning when he suddenly developed supernatural powers during the fight.
Now –think about this a sec- do you have any idea how much work it took to make Goro look like Goro? He’s built like The Rock but with two extra arms. Vishnu has four arms; Vishnu doesn’t look like The Rock. Imagine
all the weight he lifted, the four-fingered push-ups, the core tighteners, the calorie counting…And to develop both sets of arms, he probably had to either invent a double barbell or do two sets of every pushup and deadlift, which would explain the core, but it’s a killer on the body’s respiratory system. I mean that guy put in years and years of work to look like that … and he dies in a battle he’s winning quite handily because his opponent is suddenly magic. That’s messed up.
Today’s film is Mortal Kombat, the kind of cinematic experience where scenes are oft judged exactly by how grisly or grotesque a battle becomes. The plot in short: Earthrealm is battling to stave off enslavement because Outworld has won nine of the past ten Mortal Kombat challenges. If Outworld wins a tenth, they conquer Earthrealm AND get a free pizza. Naturally, the Outworlders are big cheaters; they’re pissed off that while the pizza would be free, they’d have to pay for the toppings. What is the point of enslaving Earthrealm if it doesn’t come with free toppings? So these dudes have been showing up various places to eliminate Mortal Kombatants ahead of the next tournament to help their odds.
Now, Earthrealm is down to just a few guys to represent. I dunno how it works exactly, but the key is if you get a kool dragon embossed on your skin, you get to represent Earthrealm in Mortal Kombat … and you get special powers – these are largely unexplained and unique to each person. Halfway through the film, the Earthrealm was really hurtin’ for champions. Who’s left? Well, there’s the no-armed guy (Mechad Brooks) –hey, between he and Goro, they average a correct # of arms, jus’ sayin’… then there’s the Aus-hole, Kano (Josh Lawson), who hadn’t won a single fight up to this point in the film, there’s our hero, Cole (Lewis Tan), who also hadn’t won a single fight up to this point in the film –do you guys even understand the term “Mortal Combat” <”I don’t think you do” – Seinfeld> and the kickass woman (Jessica McNamee) who is NOT yet a Girl with a Dragon Tattoo (hence ineligible to fight for Earthrealm).
And they 
all gotta face the evil Sub-Zero (Joe Taslim); I love it when they recycle villains from Schwarzeneggerrealm. Sub-Zero has been around and genocidal for over four-hundred years. Cuz, you know, it’s good to have a hobby and stay busy as you age. We see him take out Hasashi and fam (Cole’s way-back relatives) in the opening, but Sub-Zero fails to massacre the baby (which is why Cole exists). Now, Sub-Zero, did you forget the Hasashi’s sent out a baby announcement? I think you even came to the shower, silly assassin.
It’s like this: Mortal Kombat is a film that plays like it was adapted from a video game, which it is. The plot is absurd, the characters are as nuanced as they are intriguing (which is to say not at all), and the movie introduces something new it won’t explain every ten minutes or so. This whole film is devoted to an audience that wants to see a head clamped to death and a blood balloon bursting in its place. If that’s your bag, I still don’t recommend this film, but you’ll like it better than I did.
Break out the extra strength Advil
Mortal Kombat started bad and went downhill
Perhaps a true application
Of this gamer adaptation
But I think I’d rather watch the film “Farmville”
Rated R, 110 Minutes
Director: Simon McQuoid
Writer: Greg Russo, Dave Callaham
Genre: Punching people to death
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: The kind of person who enjoys a good bludgeoning
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Eye-rollers
